I just finished with four trips (and fourteen planes) in the course of a month and a half, and let me tell you: flying is the worst.

I don’t care if it’s a miracle. I don’t care if elements of flight defy scientific explanation. What I care about is that I’m a human being (and six and a half feet of one!!!!!!!!! <- exclamation marks!!) and I wish to be treated as such! If I am going to continue to travel by air, I have a list of REASONABLE demands which must be met. Listen up, airline industry! Number one! No more seats! They only cause problems: being too cramped, bumping against your knees, getting in the way of the bathroom. Throw 'em seats in a garbage heap! Number two! No more landing! If we all just learned to stop, drop n' rock-n-roll we'd get everywhere quicker. Hobos used to do this all the time while riding the rails, and I have a job, so I am at least twice as good as a hobo! Number three! No more pilots! Smug pricks. I'd rather let fate guide my wings than ride with one of you! I'd rather DIE, letting my plane crash into a airport FULL OF PLANES than ride with one of you! And that's it! I think we can all agree it's pretty doable, and something that literally everyone else on the planet wants! Hop to it or DIE, airline industry! T