All joking aside, I think we’re forgetting the True Meaning of Christmas. Gather ‘round and I’ll tell you the story of our lord and savior:

Santa Claus was born to a virgin mother on December 25th, over two thousand years ago. His young life was unremarkable – working as a humble toymaker, up until the age of 33 when he began his true calling of giving free toys to children. Of course, this angered the toy industry, but his following grew. Soon he had thousands of elves working for him to deliver presents around the world. Santa also had 12 reindeer apostles, lured by his promise of “Come with me, and I will make you reins of deer” (a meaningless phrase, but effective nonetheless).

Eventually, though, his good deeds caught up to him and the jolly old man was sentenced to death by Pontius Hasbro. Santa Claus was crucified between two elves, each on their own adorable little crosses. The nightmare of free toys was finally over.

And that’s why we celebrate Christmas.