There’s a lot of value put on street smarts. And with good reason! It’s important to know what it takes to survive on this terrible planet, which is often more valuable than book smarts. That’s why we should add a Street Smarts section to the SATs! It’s easy:

Straight away, you aren’t even told where or when the SATs are taking place. You just have to know the right people. If you do happen to find out, good luck getting into the testing center. Don’t believe anything from the guy at the entrance, he’s just trying to screw you over and keep all the college admissions for himself. No, you gotta sneak around to the back door and shimmy through a window.

Once inside, the proctor will engage you in hand-to-hand combat. Fight dirty. Try to stab him with a #2 pencil (you can’t use pen). If that doesn’t work, offer them a cash bribe. Congrats! You made it through the SATs! Now you’ll be issued a score based on your skin color, gender, and family income level.