Basically, the reason why the Soul Patch is the worst is because facial hair needs to have an application. Beards keep a face warm. Mustaches make a cop’s face look like they have three eyebrows, disorienting criminals as a result. Soul patches? No purpose (other than displaying that you owned a Sugar Ray album at one point in your life.)

But what if you want to grow facial hair, but your face is warm and you’re not a cop. What then! I’ve got you covered. It’s called the Eight Foot Long Braid Coming Out of the Lower Left Part of Your Cheek. Basically, it’s an eight foot long braid coming out of the lower left part of your cheek. Shave everything else.

At first it may seem impractical, “What am I going to do with an Eight Foot Long Braid Coming Out of the Lower Left Part of My Cheek?” Soon, however, the applications will become apparent:

• Strangling a Croatian arms dealer as part of your occasional spy work.

• Dragging a block of ice back to your village.

• Lowering a dog with a flashlight attached to it into a well so it can locate another dog which has been trapped in the same well.

• Whipping sled dogs to win the Iditarod.

• You can eat it.

Plus, if you ever tire of it and its many myriad uses, you can lop it off with a hatchet at keep it as a pet. I named mine Hank.