The King Arthur legend really had it figured out. The best way to choose our leaders is arbitrary feats of strength and will. At the end of the day, any leader at a given time is just going to be a figurehead for whatever shit their nation was going through at that point in history, so we might as well appoint people for something interesting and spectacular.

The only question is WHAT the criteria should be. Let’s say the President of the United States: the obvious choice seems to be to measure how many hamburgers they can eat in an hour. For Prime Minister of England it should be the Driest Wit, and have them make as many jokes as they can without smiling. Germans are known for their efficiency*, so their PM should be elected based on getting as close as possible to inventing a perpetual motion device. Spain would just be Messi with the exception of every fourth year.

See? Already our leaders are more interesting. In this perfect world, any proud citizen can say, “I may not agree with his or her policies, but man, they can eat a lot of burgers.”


*Yes, that’s perpetuating a stereotype, and I sincerely apologies to all the wasteful Germans out there, heroically breaking stereotypes with every ounce of pointless energy and effort.