Let’s talk about zoos. Yes, they are basically prisons. Yes, major cities are probably not a natural environment for giraffes. But they are full of a bunch of rad animals! I love awesome zoos, which are the ones where most of the animals have permanent injuries in a way that makes them incapable of surviving in the wild so they can kick back in big enclosures and breed all day. But man, terrible zoos are the worst, the ones where the penguins look like they’d hang themselves if you gave them enough rope. And have you seen their tiny necks? It wouldn’t take much.

It’s a funny thing we do as people, putting animals in big boxes so we can look at them without getting eaten. The exhibits that probably get me the most are the big cat exhibits. You’ll see a leopard pacing back and forth with this quiet fury, and part of you wants the dude to get out and eat you. Something about getting murdered by a jungle cat is comforting, as if you’re helping to bring order back to the universe.

Basically, this is me officially encouraging you to get eaten by a tiger this weekend.