Romance is dead, and the information age has killed it. The world has no secrets left for two people to share, so if you’re really looking for romance you’re going to have to make it the good old fashioned way:

Kill a drifter.

I know, I know, it sounds extreme, but relax! It’s not like this is a real person or something, this is just a rail-riding vagrant who has no family, no loved ones, and will leave no impression on earth except a baked beans can filled with poop stowed in the bushes of a public park. Weird place to poop. Why do they all do that.

Don’t get me wrong, killing a drifter is still illegal. It’s illegal as hell! But you’ll be forging a bond with your loved one, a bond forged in vagrant blood. And when you roll up the body in a carpet and burn it in a dumpster, or dump it in a cement mixer at a condominium construction site, you’ll be planting a romantic seed that will grow into a thriving tree of love!

Bonus tip: make sure you have evidence stacked up against your S.O. so you can send them straight to the electric chair if they ever betray you.