Monsters are sexy now! Your classic monsters like draculas, mummys, and werewolves have all had the sex appeal makeover a few times over. First they were scary, then they were funny, and now teen boys and girls have topless photos of known werewolves in their lockers. That wouldn’t fly at ALL in the 16th century.

We’re in real trouble here, folks. We’re no longer afraid of monsters so now we’re just doing what humans try to do to anything they’re not afraid of anymore: have sex with it. And the problem is, we’re running out of monsters to fuck. Just this year a movie came out trying to make Frankenstein’s Monster sexy, so you know how dire things are.

What we need is a supercrew of unfuckable monsters. A team of beasts that are immune to the combined urges of teenagers everywhere. Here’s the shortlist: An alien from Aliens, Bigfoot, and a krakken.

If you’re wondering why the Loch Ness Monster isn’t on the list, I assume you haven’t had a chance to check out the ass on that. DAMN.