My list of smug animals who deserve to be eaten for being so smug:

1. Dolphins
Self explanatory.

2. Bottle Nose Dolphins
The first bottle I crack open will be a bottle of whoop-ass. The second bottle I open will be the bottle nose dolphin’s nose, so I could slurp out its insides, effectively eating it.

3. Orca Whale Dolphin
Think you’re pretty cute, huh? See how cute you are living in my colon.

4. The White-Beaked Dolphin
My beak is about to red with your guts, you smug son of a bitch.

5. Beavers
Why are you always smiling? What do you have to be smiling about. I will eat you. I will eat you until you understand the misery the rest of us live with.

6. Long-Snouted Spinner Dolphins
Are you fucking kidding me? Eaten.

7. Melon-Headed Dolphins
I’ll crack your head open like a ripe dolphin head, and then eat it!

8. Regular-Ass Normal Dolphins Again
You deserve worse than me eating you, dolphins. Consider this a favor.

This is my duty, and I will see it through to the end. So long, dolphins, and thanks for all the YOU in my tuna cans. It’s the sweetest part.