A bunch of films just got nominated as Officially Really Good Movies by the Committee of People Who Are Good At Watching Movies. This is all very exciting, and millions of people are going to watch this awards ceremony. Unfortunately, the process is all very subjective and suffers from individual tastes or whose DVD screener came with a free box of Junior Mints.

So this is why we need to instate the TOURNAMENT OF MOVIES. Every year it will be a very scientific process using exact numbers: Who had the most sad parts? BEST PICTURE. Which main character showed the most emotions? BEST ACTOR/ACTRESS. Which movie was the loudest? BEST SOUND DESIGN.

This removes all gray areas and subjectivity from filmmaking (finally!) and has the added benefit of encouraging studios to make BIG LOUD MOVIES that are FULL OF EMOTIONS. Seeing one movie would be like seeing twenty, and you’d be so exhausted you’d only want to watch one a year. Accurate AND affordable!