Don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL ABOUT eating different types of animals together. I’m just revolted by the idea of having to cram multiple animals into each other. There are three types of cramming, and none of them are good: cramming for a test, cramming drugs into your nasty places to smuggle them across the border, and cramming multiple animals into each other and feeling their sad fluids gush out over your awful hands. No thanks times three!

I have a simple rule: imagine what your animal combination would look like if it were alive, and if manifests in your mind’s eye as an abomination that would sputter and gurgle “killll meeee,” then don’t eat it. I like my animal combos to be CUTE, little scenes of my imagined-to-be-living animal friends having a good time. Dioramas of flesh, fantasy, and FUN. If that sounds good to you, then here are some examples to get you started:

What’s cuter than a big animal snuggling a little animal? Easy! A little animal snuggling a big animal! The common application of Spooning is a bacon-cheeseburger. Imagine a cute little hog wrapping his little hoofers around a big old cow to keep her warm through the night, occasionally prodding her with his pig equipment until she complains for him to “quit it.”

Bumping Rumps
Like dancing! The kind your mom did when you were a kid, where she snaps with both hands and slams her hips into you and you don’t want to participate and it makes her very sad and your dad makes you apologize. But this time it’s cute! Because it’s two cut-off animal butts (or “hocks,” if you will) and you’ve arranged them on your plate to be touching. What a tasty dance!

The Team Cheer
Hands in, everybody! Literally! Throw a bunch of animal feet into a big pile, and get ready to shout “hip hip hooray” for your tastebuds. Just watch out for the bones. It’s mostly bones.