I don’t smoke cigarettes, because they’re hazardous… to your wallet! Ten dollars a pack in New York City? Puhhh-lease! I could see half a movie for that much money! There are plenty of other CHEAPER vices I partake in, and I bet they could also be improved with Modern Science. Let’s take a look at some of them! [gestures you over to my wacky laboratory, or my Magic School Bus, or my personal dog-dragon thing from The Neverending Story who kind of reminds me of a furry corn on the cob, who in this situation is taking us on a science-filled adventure instead of a weird German (?) fairy tale.]


Electronic Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips! Each bag includes a computer “chip” of its own (haha!) that scientifically calculates the perfect ratio of salt and vinegar. The ratio is “all of both.” The chips are just a sack of salt with a bottle of vinegar poured in it. You drink it. Perfectamundo.

Electronic Surfing the Internet! We’ve all been there, twiddling away the hours of the day refreshing the same four websites time and again hoping that there will be something new for us to see. Step in, Electronic Surfing the Internet! This small metal bead implanted in your brain irreversibly damages your short term memory, allowing you happily look at the same Reddit image links again and again. Soon you’ll be saying, “Haha, a cat attacking a fax machine!” every three and a half minutes. New every time!

Electronic Naps! Tired of waking up? This electronically controlled nap keeps you from ever waking up, ever. No matter what. Let a cool, dreamless, eternal sleep wash over you, and shield you from the harsh realities of waking life. Don’t ever risk opening your eyes to reality again, with Electronic Naps!