Earlyon November 7, 2013 at 5:00 am
If someone really loves you, they won’t buy you a coffin at the ol’ coffin shop. They’ll make you one. Hand crafted. Heartful. Ugly, and utterly amateur (unless you’re on the younger side of a big family). Buying a coffin at a store is like buying a greeting card with a message printed inside of it. A little impersonal, don’t you think? If you truly hope someone will “Get Well Soon,” you’ll tell them in your own words. If you truly hope someone will Rest In Peace, you’ll build them the most kickass soil-rocket that you can. It’s your final gift to the deceased, and I know you can do better than some mass-produced Wal-Mart, glossy-lacquered, ten foot turd of a corpse cradle. Make your own. Get creative!
When my Uncle Shamus died, we put together a coffin made out of all his favorite things. Pasta, salt, and leering at underage girls. The first two were easy enough, but to fully honor his memory we had to suffice for leering at underage girls during the service. Close enough! The coffin construction process was easy and fun. We started by laying out a eight by eight foot box, as Shamus was a rather portly fella (probably from eating all that pasta). Then we filled it with pound after pound of wet noodles. All of his favorite types! Spaghetti, ziti, fusili, penne, peeny, harrideani, lamborghini, Purina Pro Plan Savor Adult Turkey & Pasta Entree in Gravy Canned Cat Food-ini. All of his favorites. Afterwards, we dumped ol’ Shamus into the box, salted him up, and waited a week for the “coffin” to harden. After putting on our breathing masks we threw lashes over our kitchen coffin creation, dragged him to the top of his favorite hill, and shoved him inside of it. A priest yammered on about Mr. Jesus, and we leered at underage girls from under our gas masks, and I bet you a smile grew on on Shamus’ face that was ten times the size of his heart-diseased heart.
Love your loved ones. Bury them in salty pasta and cat food.
Give them a Grinch, and they take an aisle.
My parents beat him to this idea with Christmas in July. It’s shitty though. We had to go around and fix up peoples houses and give away our toys to other kids.
Jesus Christmas is totally badass since Santa kicked his butt, and took claim of the gods. I hear he might be bringing Zeus back, but we all know that since he was knocked down as high and mighty, he really just jumps from couch to couch talking about the good ole days when HE was giving humans Plight.
Well since the big chains start doing the Christmas/Newton day promotions in October nowadays, this wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
… well here in germany we’ve got xmas stollen, cookies and other typical xmas stuff to eat in the shops since september … don’t ask me why.
umm.. London Drugs was a day ahead of you on this one. I went in to buy Halloween stuff ON Halloween, only to find that they’ve replaced it all with Christmas stuff.
every where by me had them out at the end of september!
That monologue should be sent in to Welcome to Night Vale
Only the day after Halloween? That’s pretty late. Usually we start to see Christmas stuff around about September…