Talking Britishon September 6, 2013 at 5:00 am
I have never been to England! I will never go! And you can’t make me, you are not my mom (unless you are my Mom, because she reads this site, everyone please say hi to Anna), but you are not my mother and you CAN’T MAKE ME GO TO ENGLAND.
Do I have anything against England? Absolutely not. I have arbitrarily decided right here and now that I will never go to England. Right in this very moment. I’m sure England is a fine country, filled with fine English people. I’m sure it is! I’m sure. But look at it this way, you’re not going to read every book in a library. You’re not going to watch every movie on Netflix. You barely watch anything in your queue as it is! So you might as well start picking things that you will never do. It’s liberating. The sheer vastness of possibility viewed through the lens of a miniscule human life is, quite frankly, insulting on a cosmic level! So piss in god’s face with me, and Pick Things To Never Do!
Throw roller skates in the trash before you buy them! You’re never going to use them! Fill your neighbor’s pool with cement! You’re never going to learn to swim! Walk into a convenience store and smash all of their “Dr Pepper 10” with a sledgehammer! You are never going to drink it! What even is that? I’ve seen commercials but still don’t understand! LIBERATION THROUGH LIMITATIONS, PICK THINGS TO NEVER DO!
But you’d be missing out on tea and scones! They’re our only major contribution to world civilisation.
You’d also never try such delights as “black pudding”, “tripe” and… on seconds stay. You’re better off not knowing what those are.
I don’t think that guy’s really English, anyway. He spelled civilization with an “s.” Let’s shun him.
Have a jolly good day Anna!
Best post ever.
I’ll never post again even though i’ve been reading this for the past four years.
Hah, it IS liberating!
Well, all that not-doing-stuff-in-an-English-manner feels very liberating. And by “feels” I mean “keeping a stiff upper lip” and by “liberating” I mean “knocking you up in the morning.”
I’M THE TRAIN
I don’t think I’ve ever heard an English person say shaft.
Jolly good show!
You, dear sir, are amazing!
What a wonderful idea!
Come to Scotland, it solves all of these problems and has its own exciting mix of culture layered on top.
Ireland is also nice, especially even the bit with the crazies. Go see where Game of Thrones is being filmed 🙂
Hi Anna! You must be proud to be the sole human on eath that has the ability to make your son go to England.
Oh my god the text is hilarious! So clever!
Have a nice day, Anna!
Hi, Anna! Ship Tony off to England for me!
You should give England a go, it’s not too bad.
You see that there? That’s a British person trying to sell something. “Give it a go, it’s not too bad.”, that’s really the best we can do.
For that reason alone you should come.
In other news I have vowed to never watch Top Gun and 27 years on I’m still going strong. Oh yeah. Commitment baby.
PS Hi Anna.