What with censorship laws, public decency, and basic social norms, people disagree on how much physical affection is appropriate in public. It’s about time we ended this silly argument and standardized it: Let’s ban public displays of affection. All of them. No hugging, no hand-holding, no high-fiving. If you want to pat your buddy on the back after scoring a touchdown, you’d better hope that there’s a hotel nearby that rents rooms by the hour. Let rumors spread about how France has billboards that show graphic handshakes. No one is spared; if a proud mother wants to hug her toddler for taking his first steps she’d better do it the privacy of her own home like the sick pervert she is.

Or we crank the PDA dial the other way and see what happens. Odds are it’ll get real sweaty real fast and society as we know it would come to a grinding halt. Either way, we need to figure it out soon because there’s a couple making out in front of me right now in this coffee shop and I need to know if it’s impolite for me to tell them they are doing a really good job. I’m not kidding this is A+ work.