Why do we need to tell kids that things “aren’t toys?” They’re not playing with them to pretend they’re fake, y’know! You think li’l Buster or Janette (the two most common names for kids these days, look it up!) are playing with that cardboard box to imagine it’s just a cardboard box rocket ship? No way, Buster (not the popular children’s name, but the thing you call an adult when they’re being incorrigible)! Kids want the REAL DEAL!

So you know what I say? Let’s give it to them. Giving a kid everything they want is the quickest way for them to grow up. So if little Janette wants to play astronaut, let’s shoot her into outer space. Best case scenario, Janette gets to live her dreams while growing up at an awesomely accelerated rate, making her a more responsible person. Worst case scenario, a tiny skeleton will orbit planet earth for all eternity, and that’s RADICAL.

For those of you who feel compelled to step in and “Um Actually” me, I *know* that Janette wouldn’t decompose in the vacuum of space, I’m presupposing that she died in some cartoonishly awesome way that dislodged her entire skeleton and threw it in orbit around earth. Get real!