Mistakes! We’ve all made them. Once when I was a kid I shaved off part of my eyebrows just because I was bored! Check my middle-school yearbook if you don’t believe me. Just look for the Coolest Dude in Class! My mother still doesn’t let me live that one down. I’M SORRY, MOM.

Luckily, I learned my lesson and never made a mistake again. Everything’s pretty great these days. I’ve got nice, full eyebrows. Extra eyebrows, even! As a matter of fact, I have too many eyebrows. If anyone is looking for some extra eyebrows, I have a whole warehouse full of ‘em. Cardboard box upon cardboard box, filled with bushy eyebrows, sitting in the damp darkness, sucking up mildew like big, hairy mildew magnets. Rotting away along with my life savings. Why did I buy all these eyebrows. This was a terrible mistake.