The internet is a curse. Contrary to what you might have been taught, it wasn’t invented. Instead it was discovered in a mysterious metal capsule at the bottom of the ocean off the coast of Hawaii. That’s why it was tested on the islands, like the web’s Bikini Atoll except far more dangerous.

Once a planet gets an internet, there’s no turning back. Suddenly, the deepest horrors of the species are pushed directly into your face. No one can get away with anything without the world hearing about it. Nations get pissed at other nations who turn off their internet. And then, inevitably, humanity’s interconnectedness evolves into a global consciousness. A global consciousness that loves cats and “epic fails,” but a global consciousness nonetheless.

Around that time, the planet becomes self-aware and is allowed to participate in the intergalactic space senate.

And let me tell you, NOTHING is more boring that space politics. The only thing faster than the speed of light is the rate you’ll fall asleep listening to concerns about the hydrogen tide patterns on Xenock 8. Geography classes will take years to complete instead of a couple semesters. Galactic elections will span the equivalent of several Earth years, and it’ll take forever to get an egg-laying endomorph into office. Typical!

When we were gifted the net we should have shot it right back into space. Cats get enough attention already.