How are you supposed to sell your soul?! Everyone makes it look so easy in cartoons, movies, and ancient religious tomes, but in my experience it’s nearly impossible. Here I am with a perfectly decent soul and it’s been a real problem finding a buyer. Apparently the usual way is to say aloud, “I’d sell my soul for a fighter jet!” but that’s not doing it. When you type “soul” into Amazon or eBay you just get a bunch of vinyl records, which is cool and all but I don’t have the musical talent or recording studio access to put my soul onto a 12-track album. Does Satan have a phone number or at least an email address? If he does I bet he uses AOL.

My guess is that the ol’ Dark Lord isn’t buying anymore. He was probably speculating that the price of souls was going to skyrocket when humankind drove itself into extinction from inventing fire and drinking too much mead, but now that we’ve invented BIGGER fires and BETTER mead we’re still going 7 billion strong. Better luck next time, Mr. Devil, I guess that’s why you’re president of the shittier afterlife!