Everyone loves a great dessert, so I’m going to share something with you. It’s an old recipe for my famous comfort cookies. Friends and family go wild for these things. It’s a secret recipe, which means you should keep it to yourself and not post it where anyone can find it, like a bathroom wall or the internet. Give it a shot!

World Famous Comfort Cookies

– 2 Cups Flour
– 1 Package Chocolate Chip Cookies
– Pen and paper

1. Preheat your apartment to 350 degrees.

2. You now have 3-5 minutes to live. Resist the impossibly sweltering heat long enough to spread the flour over the kitchen table.

3. Look at the patterns created by your sweat falling into the flour. In your heat-induced hallucinations you may see either an angel or a devil, depending on how you’ve lived your life. No one has ever seen an angel.

4. In your final moments of lucidity, use the pen and paper to write a note to your loved ones.

5. Die.

There you go! No dessert is sweeter than the closure of heartfelt final words. When your loved ones find your body they can comfort themselves with the chocolate chip cookies (if they haven’t burned to a crisp).