I’m not saying that I am a trend setter, but I am saying that I set trends. All the time. As it turns out, most anything that is popular I liked long before you did. Here’s a brief list of some things that I liked way before any of you did, which makes me so much cooler:

Sleeping In
Been doing this all my life. You folks out there who just got jobs, and suddenly realize how precious morning sleep is? Yeah, I was loving that shit while you were a fetus. A FETUS. Just try getting me out of bed. You’ll need an army of peasants with pitchforks.

Snow is totally dope, y’all. Let’s face it, it’s water in its most brutal state. Except for giant icicles maybe. But yeah, snow? I was eating and peeing in it (in whatever order) before you ever heard what a ski was. Before you were cutting the powder, I was leaving my name in neon down your favorite slopes.

Rocket Launchers
I liked these things back when they were called BAZOOKAS. This slightly predates the era when all machine guns were referred to as “uzis.”

Okay, so the Razor trend has passed, and if you’re still riding one you should take a look in a mirror and search for some reason to be proud of yourself. But back when I was 6 years old, I had a scooter with Snoopy and Woodstock on it, and I sported that board everywhere. I rode it until termites ate the wheels off of it, and it made me the coolest cat on the block. The WHOLE block.

LOL Cats? Try some REAL cats. I had shit tons. Legions.

James Bond
It’s called a VHS tape of “Thunderball.”

Take your Harry Potter and shove it. In my day wizards had beards as long as their ***** and they would explode your face with a fireball.

Concern Over Global Warming
I wrote the script for Waterworld IN MY DREAMS.

Before the movies in disc format blew everyone’s minds, I was spinning some phat platters called Laserdiscs. Eat it.

I grew up INSIDE of a Del Taco. My hair still smells like Sonora Chicken Burritos.

Medical Experimentation For Money

It was ALWAYS a good idea? Why did it take you so long to catch on.

That Being “Cool” Is Uncool
Why do you think I liked all these things before they were cool? Because it was UNCOOL back then. Which, in turn, is COOL. Why do you think I wrote this post in a manner in which it would appear that I’m joking? So you don’t realize how UNCOOL I really am, which in turn is SUPER COOL.

You people are impossible.