ASP Badass Diary from Hell

It’s been a tragic week here at Amazing Super Powers as we’ve had to cope with the loss of a loved one. Normally, ASP’s stoic motto is “Bury your dead,” but not today. Today Wes and I weep like little sissy women children wimp sissies. At approximately 10:32 PM on Thursday, August 21st I discovered that the Bob’s Big Boy restaurant on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles  has been slain. What was hands down our favorite dining establishment in all of Los Angeles -that at our best we patronized weekly- has been toppled, butched, and barbaricly slain. Nothing but several grey bricks remain strewn about a vacant lot, several piles of debris with twisted shoots of rebar reaching to the sky, shouting the word “WHY?!” at a god who is too uncaring or immaterial to have intervened. For the time being, the Bob’s Big Boy sign still stands. Where it once stood proud and confident, it is now a lonely and solemn beacon to the all the damned and heartbroken ghosts of Los[t] Angeles.

While exact time of death is unknown to me, a little detective work has revealed that cause of demise was Death by Cliche. Big Boy Wilshire was torn down to make room for a car dealership, and any research into the matter will show that dealerships have a mean penchant for murdering Big Boys. Now, this is nothing I’m ready to tie a noose over. There are other Big Boys (although they are unfortunately lacking in the charm and quality of the individually owned Wilshire location), and we will always have the memories of hours spent at our corner booth that they always knew to seat us at, drinking chocolate milk shakes and cup after cup of coffee, solving an existential crisis over the classic Big Boy Combo. I suppose, thinking about it now, that this loss doesn’t belong to us. This loss belongs to each and every one of you who never had the chance to cram your gullet full of The Boy’s unique brand of stale, greasy Americana.

I’m not too good and being sentimental, so to wrap this up, I say fare thee well, Big Boy! You were a greater friend than I ever could have hoped from a restaurant.

You may have noticed that ASP is a comic about a young girl and her adventures through toyland with her anthropomorphic teddy bear, and is not a comic about video games (which is a terrible crime, because what this world needs more of is video game related humor and, more importantly, video game related miscarriage humor.)

Nonetheless, this post is about a video game! Wes and I both own Xbox 360s, and were excited to hear about a game called “Braid” coming to the Arcade. Despite our initial alarm and dismay that this wasn’t a game about hairstyling, we were pleased to find a beautiful little world in which you guide Angus Young through a slew of clever puzzles. And yes, even though Wes and I are both card-carrying MENSA members, now and again we like things that make us feel smart. For instance, being the only people we know that don’t watch Bravo. LOL?

We’re strong supporters of paying for things that you like in order to keep the good times rollin’, so y’all should check it out. Additionally, the artwork in Braid was done by the very talented David Hellman of A Lesson is Learned but the Damage is Irreversible, one of our favorite reads.

KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON.

Today’s comic is called “Last Request,” and it is about bad things happening to people.

Also, here is a drawing of a pair of cats. I believe it comes from England.

I don’t have the desire to try to hone in the The Onion’s territory, for they bring pseudo-news to an art form. But there were a few headlines threatening to burst from my forehead so here they are (click to enlarge):

(Also, special thanks to Jim H. for the main headline that prompted this)

This is a reminder that our new store in Topatoco is full of sexy new designs!

Astro-Diver: BFFWhat if the two greatest archetypal explorers of all time were BEST friends? Well, they’d probably do this! They might also get milkshakes, lounge around in a park, go to the arcade, and have sleepovers where they would tell each other scary ghost stories.

Love the Bomb
It’s easy to stop worrying when you are soaring through the clouds on a mighty steed packed with equal parts magic and uranium. The tricky part is the landing. Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!

The Penny-Farthing
FACE IT! As part of the top-hat wearing intellectual elite, you find yourself the constant target of mockery and derision for your chosen mode of transport! Stick it to the Man with a shirt that says, “Hey world, I bite my thumb at thee.” Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!

Let me start off by saying that Harry Potter has done plenty of good. It has encouraged kids to read, popularized wizardry, and it has made a single mother rich.  I do, however, protest its literary shortcomings. What worries me is that years from now, when the young Harry Potter fanatics grow up to become teachers, principles, and superintendents, they will see it as a “classic” and approve it as a required reading in schools.

I’d like to point out the similarities between the Potter universe and that of one of the most iconic set of characters created by humans. Correct, I’m speaking of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

What the Hell do the Ninja Turtles have to do with Harry Potter? The four turtles have distinct personalities, right? And a reoccurring dynamic within Hogwarts is between the four houses. Let’s see if we can play sorting hat and find homes for these turtles:

• Leonardo: Brave, chivalrous, leader of the turtles, and a strong sense of honor.  Seems like a gorgeous match for those courageous numbskulls in Gryffindor.
• Michelangelo: Loyal, easy-going, accepting, and identifies well with the common folk. That fellow would be amongst friends in Hufflepuff.
• Donatello: Brains of the turtles, creative, and wise. Such a bookworm would quickly be typecast as a Ravenclaw.
• Raphael: Slytherin. Duh.

As of now we’ve straightforwardly placed the four turtles into the four houses. Now, for both the wizards and the turtles, if only there was some calm, elderly mentor with long, grey hair who occasionally showed great mastery in the craft that he taught to his pupils.

Oh wait. I guess it turns out that Splinter and Dumbledore would make good poker buddies.

The when I first noticed this alignment I felt a bit cheated. I’m far from saying that Rowling ripped off TMNT. Rather, I think it’s silly that this literary piece that we are likely to see in schools someday lines up so well with an 80s pop culture craze starring four hominid turtles that practice ninjutsu. Also, they are teenagers. Who love pizza*.

There you have it. I’ve heard claims that Harry Potter is similar in storyline to Star Wars. Meh. There’s more alignment in the Manhattan sewers. And Hell, even with their differing personalities the turtles work as a team much more readily than the four houses in Rowling’s saga of owls, thinly-veiled Holocaust allegories, and long-term camping trips.

*Yes, in the Harry Potter series it’s never explicitly said that the kids love pizza. But c’mon, what teenagers don’t? I’ve had pizza in Britain. That shit is delicious.

So, a 5.8 earth-shattering earthquake just dropped on Los Angeles, WHICH IS EFFED UP. I am at work right now, and I was all like, “this is so totally the rapture, and I kind of regret a bunch of stuff I did.” Once I realized that things was cool and I wrung the stank urine out of my pants, though, I realized that the only thing I REALLY regret was NOT EATING MORE SANDWICHES. More than anything on the planet, I love sandwiches. Sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. And in short, the lesson I learned today, is that if I am on the verge of death, my last moments will be peaceful, thinking of sandwiches all the while. Also I will fill my pants with stank urine.

AmazingSuperPowers will be at Comic-Con this weekend! Instead of renting a traditional, boring, stationary booth, ASP will be represented by two fully functional human beings! That’s right! Wes and Tony are the booth. These “human beings” are completely mobile, kosher, and devilishly handsome. Unfortunately, we will not be located on the map due to our dynamic nature, and the San Diego Convention Center officials declined our reasonable request for us to have GPS collars that could be used for people to track our whereabouts on a huge jumbotron in the middle of the main exhibition hall.

Consequently, in the spirit of “Where’s Waldo,” if you want to meet the creators of AmazingSuperPowers you’ll have to hunt us down (Here’s a hint: Tony is tall, and Wes wears glasses). If you manage to locate us amongst the 125,000 other attendees, as a reward we’ll kiss your attractive sisters for totally free.

Some of you may have noticed or were outraged by the fact that the Live Nudes comic had been trimmed from four panels to three panels. If you missed the boat and never saw the fourth panel, it’s been changed to a link located on the door in the last frame.

So why the change? Simple: We hate you and will do everything in our power to make your life worse. Remember your sandwich that disappeared from the fridge? We ate it. You know that girl who never called you back? We ate that, too. Remember that speeding ticket you got? Well, we had nothing to do with that directly but we support our local police.

In all honesty, we probably don’t hate you. In fact, we’d probably swerve if you were standing in the middle of the street, gazing at us with those large, glistening eyes of yours. The truth is that we received more than a few confused comments and e-mails from individuals who did not understand the strip. In most cases, people were held back from enjoying the strip because they weren’t certain if they understood it.

The fourth panel was included in the first place because of our delight in imagining the demand to check out some live nudes. In fact, not only is the place full, but there is a queue of people outside. We also appreciated the ambiguity of these people being either necrophiliacs or simply curious. Or CSI fans. Or bored. Whatever the reason, you yourself would probably be waiting in that line for the same reason traffic slows down next to a train wreck.

The problem was that people thought there was a huge criminal conspiracy they were missing, were wondering why the guy was being arrested, missed the sign, or something else entirely. The comic was ultimately changed because we decided that it toed the line from “subtle” to “vague.” With three panels, the joke lies in the resiliency of the owner of the strip club in question. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Except in this case, when life gives you dead strippers, the show must go on.

Guess what! Remember, like, three days ago when you were all like, “Crap! I wish I could update my wardrobe with a load of totally boss tee-shirts designed by my favorite website, Amazing Super Powers!” No? Well, you did. I think. I’m pretty sure at least. The important thing is that now you can! ASP has four new body holsters, for boys and girls alike! And best of all, these shirts can be found on Topatoco, your friendly neighborweb retailer! Topatoco’s got some dang good goods from a troop of super duper comics! So check out some shirts, check out some Topatoco shops, and check out some other comics!

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