Back in grade school I remember being threatened that misbehavior would show up on my PERMANENT RECORD. The permanent record was a terrifying concept, especially because they made it sound like it was, well, PERMANENT. I was afraid that I would be denied a promotion in my 30s because my boss could clearly see that I threw a grape at the back of my friend’s head in Social Studies class (“Not management material”).

But when I graduated high school, they dumped a big folder on my lap. “Here’s your permanent record.” It was bewildering and underwhelming, like my school had put together the lamest scrapbook ever for me. It made me wish I’d been a worse kid so my permanent record would have a little more color to it.

Now I’m just waiting a few decades to see if the government does the same thing with their own records. Maybe I should commit a few felonies to be safe.