Those of you interested in electronic entertainment squares might already know this, but there’s a video game console war going on! In one corner there’s Microsoft and they want you to buy the Xbox One, which is a pristine graphite sphere that vibrates endlessly and whose sole output produces spiders. Then there’s Sony pushing their PlayStation 4, which is known for floating one foot off the ground and turning into a black hole when you whisper its True Name. And finally Nintendo’s Wii U, whose primary selling points are its controller (the howling skull of a dead king) and Mario Kart.

So choose wisely! If you get the wrong one you’ll feel awfully silly.