We’ll be appearing at a bunch of conventions this year to spread our disease. This is all very exciting. Hope to see you there!
Emerald City ComiCon – Seattle – March 13-14
Stumptown Comics Fest – Portland – April 24-25
ROFLCon – Boston – April 30 – May 1
Toronto Comics Art Festival - Toronto – May 8-9
San Diego Comic-Con – San Diego – July 22-25
New York Comic Con – New York – October 8-10
Alternative Press Expo – San Francisco – October 16-18
Stumptown Comics Fest 2009.
Prove that you love yourself, your friends, and your family with our vast array of swag! Also you can order a huge high quality print of any of the comics as a gift!
But wait, there’s more! Oh, wait. No. That’s it. Nevermind.
I was digging around some old photos and found these Etch-a-Sketch drawings I made a while ago. Each one took anywhere between 3-6 hours. Sometimes out of habit one of my drawings might be one continuous line, and someofmysentencesareonecontinuousword.
This is based on a true story that never happened.
You must be thinking of some other, copyrighted Spiderman.
Having something like this in your room is a more powerful birth control device than any pill or hunk of latex.
Hey guys! It’s me, Tony! Special treat for you today, and weeks hereafter! My awesome buddy Brian and I have started a series of “comedy” videos which you can now watch on You Tubes. There are 7 going up today, and we’ll be adding 2 a week from here on!! Check ‘em out HERE!
Keep checking them out! Subscribe to us and stuff! I don’t really know how this Y’all Tube works, so do the thing that is good!
Hey everyone! It’s me, Tony! A couple years back I helped my friends Jordan and Kevin with a movie they were making, AND NOW IT’S OUT!! It’s called ThanksKilling, it’s super good and super funny, and I’m not just saying that because I helped write jokes for it! I also did some cool animation n’ stuff!
(Yeah, so the trailer has the wrong year it in, BUT NOW IT’S THE RIGHT YEAR!!)
You can buy it! You can rent it! You can stream it instantly on Netflix! You really have no reason not to check it out, so DO!
http://www.thankskillingmovie.com/
Presenting the winners of the ASP Anniversary Contest! All of the honorable mentions and winners have been contacted. Honorable mentions here and here.
Fourth Place
“5 Word Summaries” by Robbie A.
5-Word Descriptions of Every Comic
Obviously a lot of work went into this list, but the thing that sold us on the idea of adding fourth place as a category was the phrase “Child’s wish animates a dildo.”
Click here for the daunting list!
Third Place
“Two Clouds and a Rainbow” by Aurelio M.
Animation based on “Two Clouds and a Rainbow”
He made a meteorological humiliation even cuter. Bonus points for using Futura font for the title card. Seems somebody read our FAQ.
Second Place
“Bad Halloween” by Jeremy M.
Splicing of a handful of comics.
This made us laugh harder than any of the other entries. (Fun Fact: this is the guy who won last year)
First Place
“Here be Monsters” by Sam V.
Illustration Inspired by “Here Be Monsters”
So beautifully crafted, you almost forget that it’s about a MOTHER WITNESSING THE LOSS OF HER CHILD.
Nice work this year! We received a ton of great entries!
Due to the high volume of quality entries, we will be displaying the results in three installments. All of the honorable mentions and winners have been contacted. Today we are posting the second half (first half here) of the honorable mentions and then finally the winners on Thursday!
Best Storyline
“Beer Money/Hard Day’s Work” by George R.
Video Inspired by “Hard Day’s Work” and “Beer Money”
Was well-made and it looked like it was filmed over several hours, but the video itself claimed that it looked like it was done in an hour. We’ll have to defer to the video on this one.
Best use of Real Children
“The First Day” by Mister S.
Photographs Inspired by “The First Day”
Mister S. alerted us in his email that he is an actual school teacher which means he was using an actual student to recreate violence, which meant putting his actual job at stake for a t-shirt. That takes balls and we respect that.
Most Edible
“oh well i got killed by a fork” by Samantha S.
Cake Inspired by “Oh Well”
This entry was made entirely of cake! Honorable mention for making death delicious.
Most Actual Restaurant
“Fortune Cookies” by Margaret D.
Photo Inspired by “Fortune Cookies”
Kudos for using a real restaurant. The happy family in the background contrasts with the despair quite nicely.
Best Duck
“Batbear” by Pedro S.
Pictures inspired by “Selection”
Look at that duck.
Most Freaky What the Fuck Wow Awesome
“No Fuck With Me” by Charlie S.
Journey Beyond the Veil Inspired by “Shoulder Pain”
We wanted to pick this guy as a winner but we were too afraid to talk to him.
Nice work! Stay tuned tomorrow for the winners!
Due to the high volume of quality entries, we will be displaying the results in three installments. All of the honorable mentions and winners have been contacted. Today and tomorrow we’ll be posting the honorable mentions and then finally the winners on Thursday!
Most Marketable
“Time Machine 3D Art” by Brett S.
Art Inspired by “The Time Machine”
The prototype looks good, but a fully-functional model would have been useful as a proof-of-concept.
Most Lovingly Arranged
“Real-Life Fortune Cookies” by RubyQuinn
Photo Inspired by “Fortune Cookies”
We like to imagine that these were opened by her family after a meal and were subsequently abandoned. Both the family and the cookies.
Most That Guy in the Cafeteria Totally Didn’t Pay
“Get a Job” by Fr. Eckle Studios
Video Based on “Get a Job”
The video is good, but it would have been more impressive to recreate one of the comics with sharpies and hand gestures. Though we suppose they don’t want to be typecasted.
Most Perpetual
“The Cliff SWF” by Josh K.
Animation Loop Based on “The Cliff”
Most Emphatic
“Love the Bomb” many by Cameron B.
TF2 Screencaps Based on “Love the Bomb”
While well made with great facial expressions, at four frames per second this is the slowest video game we’ve ever seen.
Hilarity:Effort Ratio
“Ghost of Collegiate Past Drawing” by “chubbthehippo”
Recreation of “Ghost of Collegiate Past”
Panel two made Tony pee a little and he had to go home early from work.
Good job! Stay tuned tomorrow for round two of honorable mentions!
Guess what! It’s that time of year again! AmazingSuperPowers is celebrating its birthday! Again! We’re turning two years old, and our terrible twos should prove to be just as terrible as our terrible ones and a great introduction to the terribleness of our terrible threes. Anyway! Just like last year we are giving you the opportunity to show off your talents and totally upstage us, forcing us to question our abilities and make us ashamed to go outside. Fun for everyone!
Here’s how to enter:
The deadline for entries is on October 8, 2009 at the end of the day.
Here are the prizes:
A few little details:
One last thing: We’ve had a great time makin’ comics for you folks for the past two years, and the best way to say “Thanks for Keepin’ On” is to take a look at our store and pick up one of our shirts or our really-big-super-high-quality prints. Thanks for your support. We have no plans on slowing down.
We have good news for all of you who are fans of our illustrious goldfish and are also walking around cold and naked: A NEW ASP T-SHIRT!
It is printed on super-awesome American Apparel and printed with 40% more love than any other distributor. It’s a great way to show your support for ASP and offset ever-rising bandwidth costs! In style!
A portion of proceeds go to us liking you better.
Look at that. Look at that with your eyes. That could be your torso.
Great news! You can now order AmazingSuperPowers prints! You’ll notice a friendly plump button below all of the comics; just poke that little critter and he’ll take you to a magical land where you can order printed high-quality prints of our comics!
Each print is 15″ wide and filled to the brim with love and magic. It’s an awesome way to support our webcomic and it’s an even awesomer way to wallpaper your house or apartment! Seriously, nothing is more of a turn-on than walking into someone’s house that’s plastered with ASP comics. You’ll thank us later.
Look at those beautiful things. And yes, that's a CD for reference.
Due to popular demand, we will be introducing a new main character to AmazingSuperPowers! His name is Nip Jones, a fun-lovin’, beer-drinkin’, milk-barfin’ dude who loves skateboarding and hanging out on the underside of mammals! After we published this comic, the nipple response was overwhelming so now we’re giving the people what they want!
In the words of Nip Jones, “Nip-nip-nip! Let’s squirt outta here!”
It is time for us to announce BOAT CRIME, a new webcomic by Wes and Tony! It is can be best described as BOAT CRIME. It has little to do with BOATS or CRIMES.
If you are into comics or pop culture or movies or video games or pretty much everything that has bright colors and might cause seizures, then you have likely heard of the San Diego Comic-Con. There are going to be a ton of talented, interesting, and successful people there, and also us! We aren’t doing a booth this year, but there are still a couple ways to find Wes & Tony:
1. Look for the two stunningly attractive men strutting around the convention. You’ll tell it’s us because of the two beams of light from the ceiling illuminating our position and the tendency for the sea of people to part for us, sometimes individual people parting to allow us through.
2. If true beauty makes you weep and you need a different strategy, we will be tweeting our location if we’re going to be in one spot for a while. We have printed out little postcards with comics on them and we’d love to personally deface them with sharpie and give you one if you find us. You can also ask us where we are and we’ll tell you. Follow us on Twitter here.
I just came back from a Blockbuster Video from an alternate dimension, where the 1990s movie trends didn’t hit until 15 years later. Here’s the fallout from that dark reality:
Friend Request
A Facebook spambot invades your account, changes your password, and solicits all of your friends! What do you do? If you are Billy Divine (Cuba Gooding Jr.), you keep your promises! The dispassionate and unreachable Facebook support staff refuses to help, so Billy goes out to keep every promise the robot made to his 600 friends! After finally enlarging the penis of an old sailing club teammate and giving a free ipod to a distant cousin, he and his 600 friends storm Facebook headquarters and demand the head of Mark Zuckerberg. Fucking wacky!
Squat and Drop
Vince Petrosi (Jean-Claude Van Damme) runs Poonography.com, a successful online hardcore sex chatting service. But after getting snowed in for a week in a ski lodge, his domain registration expires and it gets scooped up by some cyber-squatters! They ransom his domain, but Petrosi goes on an action-packed quest to northern Russia to get back what’s his! (Alan Rickman plays every character with an accent)
The Spam Man
After upsetting the wrong genie (Dan Aykroyd) by squashing his lamp with a basketball, ordinary accountant Frank (Jim Carrey) gets his life turned on its ear when the vindictive genie makes all of Frank’s spam emails come true! At first he is flooded with free amoxicillin, herbal supplements, and ladies ready to “blowjob him,” but he has a change of heart when he finds out he’s a Nigerian Prince and needs to create a better world for his people.
LOLfrat
It’s a frat house full of LOLcats. Bring your kids. They’ll eat that shit up.
Wes and I really get off on bragging about all the super cool people we know. In fact, as a rule, if we know you, you become super cool. And here’s a cool college buddy Wes and I may have mentioned a few times before: Mr. Scott Gairdner. Chances are that if you’ve been on the Internet, you’ve probably seen one of his videos. Chances are that if you’ve seen one of his videos, you want to watch another. LUCKY YOU. Scott just posted this bad boy starring America’s favorite son Will Hyler, and you need to rub your eyeballs on it.
Then watch some more of his videos. They’ll make your soul turn golden.
The internet is filling up with Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen film reviews. As a member of the internet, I feel obligated to throw my hat into the ring with my own review. Unfortunately, all of the showings in my area were sold out, so I had to borrow a bootleg copy. If you are from the FBI please don’t read that last sentence.
The movie opening was surprisingly slow. A voiceover from Optimus Prime described the backstory while a very obvious CGI feather fell into the frame. As far as action-packed openings go, I was very underwhelmed. Once the story got moving though, it did a fine job of reeling me back in.
I was surprised by how much of the story was told through flashbacks. It made everything that occurred in the present day seem unrelated and disjointed. While he was charming, Optimus Prime’s voice didn’t instill fear or reverence like I thought it should. Instead, it was more of a friendly Southern drawl.
It was also frustrating to see how infrequently the Transformers changed into robot form. Come on! I went into this film expecting to see giant robots punching each other, but instead they were always disguised as cars, neatly parked in the background.
One aspect that I appreciated was that it took place over the entire globe. One moment we’re in the plains of the United States, then suddenly our hero is battling the Decepticons alongside the military in Vietnam! My heart was racing when he used his jet-engine-like speed to save his injured commander.
Then the movie really deviated when Prime ventured out on a fishing boat to catch shrimp for the rest of the movie. They really lost me there.
The weirdest part is that even though it was a bootleg copy, the DVD had cover art of Optimus Prime sitting on a park bench. Recasting him to be Tom Hanks still strikes me as an odd choice.
Overall, I enjoyed the film. As the credits rolled I realized that the ancient wisdom of the Autobots was strangely relevant: Michael Bay’s movies are like “a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.”
A modest fetid pile of spammy comments tends to build up at ASP. Here are some of my favorites and first impressions (note: all of the links have been removed because if everyone’s penis is enhanced, no one’s is)
“Check out the new Mexican Swine Flu Ringtone”
Does it come with SARS wallpaper?
“Good article, Thanks. Thanks.”
We changed this person’s life with a post about dinosaurs.
“I want to find good pop music. Help me please.”
Are you on an abstract scavenger hunt?
“Amoxicillin….Amoxicillin. Amoxicillin 500 mg facts. Canine dosage for amoxicillin for sinus infection. How quickly does amoxicillin work. Amoxicillin order mexico mexican. Can i drink beer if i m taking amoxicillin?!”
My best guess is that this was written by an alcoholic Wolfman with sinusitis.
“Is the museum open on Sunday?”
…sure. But they might close an hour earlier.
“Good afternoon! Escort Model information there. Fish-girl men. I am pleased to welcome you to its website, prostitutes and Fish. You can visit my blog.”
You, sir, are a pioneer.
“Good article, Thanks. my name Philip.”
My name Phillip. I bring porn links.
“Prozac…prozac…”
These are the mumblings of depressed zombies.
Okay, if you’ve been on the internet for more thant ten minutes you know all about nerd rap and such. You’ve all heard about MC Frontalot and probably bob your head and go, “yes” to his songs.
Here’s a fact: the internet can supply you with much weirder things that nerd rap. Our friend Brian Engh, aka The Historian Himself, has just released his first rap album on his website. And it’s caveman and dinosaur themed. Prehistoric Hip-Hop. Prehistorhip-hop, if you will? Here’s a taste of one of his Youtube rap battle entries:
I made a solemn promise at a BBQ to tell people about his stuff, and everyone knows that I take BBQ promises VERY SERIOUSLY. Also you should check it out because the album is very, very good. I listen to it, I bob my head, I go, “yes.”
What’s this? The Internet just got sexier! Yes, your favorite website just got favoritier. You see, we made a bet that we’d have to update our site if we couldn’t arm wrestle one hundred swarthy Irish deck-hands. Naturally, we were able to easily wrest them all into submission, but as a show of good faith we updated the site anyway. We wouldn’t want to embarrass poor Seamus and his crew. So, now everyone knows that we’re strong, hard-working, and sportsman-like. Also modest. And handsome.
So check out the new digs! Here, have a seat right here. We’ve cleaned up the place. We treat you nice. We’ll buy you ice cream and diamonds if we ever meet you. So if you look around, you’ll find some new stuff! You’ll find all the old stuff, too! And if you’re looking for things that may or may not have been hidden, they’re still around! They have just found new places to hide because all of you are so clever and found all of their old places. So peek around, let your lovely eyes suck up some of the new layout and then lean back in your comfortable chair and say “Ahhh…” like you just took a long pull from a cold and refreshing soda pop.
We hope you like the layout. And if you don’t, Well … then we’ll pull out your heart and show it to you.
<3
Wes + Tony
P.S. Since nothing is perfect, you can always help us squash a few bugs.
Just a reminder that we have been active on Twitter, and if you are brave enough you can check it out! Here are a few highlights from our jelly-filled heads:
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1756543650
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1358693498
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1367279796
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1373334740
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1395986762
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1390097590
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1450110501
http://twitter.com/amazingsoup/status/1493629978
Some of our fans from the Wyoming Area Secondary Center whipped up a Godslug-themed t-shirt for their “Amusement Park Physics” class trip! The team decided to call themselves the British Slugs, in reference to the Imperial unit of mass (which is an awesome system by the way, primarily because it involves “Slugs,” “Slinches,” and “Blobs”).
It his been made abundantly clear by a number of ASP readers that Edward Smith, Captain of the RMS Titanic, died aboard the ship as it sank. We apologize if we insulted your intelligence with our most recent comic. God forbid we do any comics that would mislead you with historical inaccuracies.
Wes and I know a lot of really cool people that we think are really cool because we know that they’re really cool. Sometimes they help us as sounding boards for comic ideas and such, other times they just show up in comics. So, it’s QUICK PROPS TIME:
Jim Holmquist!
Jim is a real cool dude that Wes and I know from school. Jim likes our comics a lot and always has ideas, in fact he helped come up with this comic! For a while I played bass in Jim’s bad The Long Holidays (which we started as an AWESOME Batman themed band called The Long Halloween). The band is more or less on hiatus, but you can check out Jim’s other band’s awesome surf rock CD.
Chris Pecchenino!
Chris shows up in comics too and we pretend to be his friend but actually we think he’s a cowfart. Just kidding, he’s our friend and we like him.
Will Hyler!
Will is moving back to Delaware and that makes me sad. Mostly because I don’t know what Delaware is, so I just assume it’s a bad thing like a meat packing plant or a detainment facility. Will needs props because he shows up in comics from time to time and I don’t think we ever ask his permission. Will makes awesome things, here is his most recent. I like it a lot:
Okay, that’s all.
We had an excellent time at Stumptown this last weekend! We gave hi-fives to some really cool people, met quite a few cute girls, and distributed plenty of candy to strangers. We also illustrated what life was like millions of years ago when volcanoes roamed the Earth. Here are a few photos taken of us at our booth/hideout. (Click to enlarge)
Watch out for the SCIENCE. Also, we have a webcomic or something.
Dangerously high levels of smarm.
(The original size photos can be found here.)
We are going to have a booth at Stumptown Comics Fest this weekend! If you are coming to the festival or already live in Portland be sure to come by and say hello to us! We’ve printed out some comics and we’ll have some ACTION PACKED science for you, too! Our table number is 128. Oh, and you might need some protective eyewear.
See you there!
Lately, I’ve been flying on more planes than I usually do, and because I’m not a huge fan of selling my kidneys to pay for a single trip, I’ve been taking overnight flights. This usually places me in a situation of trying to sleep in a plane, which for most people is like attempting to run a marathon with one leg. And the person behind you is constantly kicking your leg. Also, the leg has mediocre beverage service.
Here is the solution: Exchange most of the seating on the plane for sleeping tubes. Already the Japanese are using something similar for inexpensive hotels, and it has been featured in the movie the “Fifth Element.” If we shrink that system and stick it in a real plane, we’ll see a host of benefits.
First, and most importantly, you’ll be able to sleep. Even if you are taking a daytime flight, lying down and relaxing would still be wonderful. And if you have been traveling all day, you certainly could use a nap. Also, if you are wide awake because one of the condoms full of cocaine burst in your stomach, then you can watch a movie or a TV show on the monitor installed on the ceiling above you.
With narrow tubes arranged in a matrix with an aisle in the middle, we’d be able to fit more people in the plane because we’d be able to use more vertical space, which means more seating on a given flight.
Imagine this but smaller and faster.
Granted there are some concerns. The first is being able to use a laptop. I imagine there would be some regular seating at the front of the plane for the chronic businessperson who insists on working during the flight. Most of the plane, however, would be tubes.
Also, there is a legitimate concern of people doing the horizontal no-pants dance in the tubes. While I personally don’t have a problem with this (as long as the tubes can be easily hosed out), we could solve that by making the door on the tube made out of clear plexiglass.
More of our problems should be solved by sticking them into tubes.
Did you know that?
Yes, the truth is that AmazingSuperPowers.com is run by actual human people beings. While it initially might seem likely that the site exists out of simple chance within the glut of infinite possibility that is the internet, it simply isn’t the case. The site has creators! Who created the site deliberately!
Let me tell you some facts about the site creators, Wes and Tony:
FACT: Wes and Tony have a combined age of 121 years.
FACT: One of the two is an infant.
FACT: One of the two wears diapers.
FACT: But both of them should.
FACT: AmazingSuperPowers.com was begrudgingly created to satisfy a stipulation of a federal court ruling against Wes and Tony.
FACT: They either had to create a website or perform 2,000 hours of community service.
FACT: The charge against them was treason.
FACT: 2,000 hours community service ain’t bad for treason.
FACT: Wes once found a Chinese Fortune Cookie that has his entire life (past, present, and future) written on it.
FACT: Things don’t end well for Wes.
FACT: But the Chow Mein was delicious.
FACT: Wes and Tony frequently arm wrestle.
FACT: Tony’s arm wears a luchador mask.
FACT: Wes’ arm looks like this.
FACT: Tony’s favorite seasoning for french fries is itching powder.
FACT: Wes and Tony once went on tour with Bruce “the Boss” Springsteen.
FACT: Their position in the band was, “Those two assholes who keep following us around and don’t leave the Boss alone.”
FACT: Wes and Tony didn’t leave “the Boss” alone until he told them they were “fired.”
FACT: You cannot collect unemployment from the federal government if “fired” by Bruce Springsteen.
FACT: Tony is illiterate and has scabies.
FACT: Wes is a simple farmer from rural Portugal, charged with the task of finding and killing his shadow self before he is killed in turn.
FACT: Now you know everything there is to know about Wes and Tony.
Hope you all like the new AmazingSuperPowers front page design. We decided to go for a “Classic” feel.
Edit: After careful thought, we’ve decided to revert back to the original. To see the short-lived redesign, take a look here:
and it’s this song by animal collective. i know that you kind of got to roll your eyes anytime someone talks about a “what is music” type of o’ band, but man. they got a groove going. saw them last month at the fonda here in la and haven’t been able to shake some tunes out of my head. so, like ‘the ring’ or one of them chain letters that give you cancer, i pass along a video jam to you:
if you like this one, check out their video for “my girls” too. is pretty good!
You can now toss your Xbox off of a roof, burn your PS3, and squirt mustard inside your Wii because they are now all obsolete. For quite some time we’ve been secretly hoping that someone would make a “Hamster Trainer 2,” flash game inspired by the hidden image of this comic. Yesterday, a kind soul by the moniker Onefifth sent us an email containing the following gem. This is pretty much exactly how we imagined how it would be to play this sweeping virtual epic. Enjoy!
Click to Play
We know for a FACT that most of you are browsing the internet without shirts on, which is foolhardy and unsanitary. We have made a shirt to resolve the issue.
Imagine in your head a perfect world. That’s right; it is a world of owls. Imagine in your head a perfect shirt. That’s right; it is a shirt of owls. For best results, wear this shirt while sporting a bowler and replace your head with a giant green apple.
We’re really happy with this shirt. It is lovingly printed on American Apparel and sold through the dandy folks at Topatoco. Check it out here, and may your torso now skip merrily into realm of surrealism.
Have you ever been mucking through the badlands of the internets and thought, “Man, I wish AmazingSuperPowers could fill my head with more ‘humorous’ garbage!” Well, we have good news for you, because we have officially merged into the Twitter stampede! We can be found under the name “AmazingSoup.” If you were enlightened by our “informative” FAQ, then definitely check this out.
So, yeah, okay! Here’s a story for all you people who love miserable things!
The other day (SUNDAY, to be precise) I decided to shower. Finally! I was doin’ my thing, gettin’ my body all clean up and smellin’ good when I noticed, from my foot, a rather heavy flow! Of blood! D:
So I guess here’s the thing: my shower drain? Is effectively a cheese grater? And if you’d ever like the tip of one of your toes sheared off, let’s talk! I can give you advice!
So, I have to wash off all of my Burt’s Bees bodywash foam (WHICH IS TOTALLY MASCULINE, DON’T MESS) from my torso before I could address the fact that my pinky toe on my left foot was significantly lighter than it used to be. Once I finished up and got my Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Oil Facewash out of my eyes (WHICH IS TOTALLY MASCULINE, DON’T MESS), I was able to address the problem.
By address, the problem, I mean I stuffed the hole in my toe full of toilet paper and tied it off with dental floss, as I was very late for work. I zoomed off in my Mazda (WHICH IS TOTALLY MASCULINE, DON’T MESS) in the hopes that we had a medical kit at our office, which luckily we did!
I called up Wes on the road, so, you know, I could be distracted while driving as I was spraying blood out of my foot like a plastic bag with a hole poked in it. He used his med-school wits to give me a battle plan to fight off my imminent death; he told me to go to an actual doctor. NO WAY! $$$ ?!!
So, plan b! It involved holding a lot of pressure, lots of alcohol swabs, antibiotic ointment, and gauze! And days later, it has worked well! My wound is healthy, perky and fun! And nothing’s coming out of it except brand new skin!
SO the moral of the story: I regret nothing.
A footwound is kind of like a pet!
If you take care of it and tend to it regularly, it will be happy and the two of you will have a lot of fun. If you don’t! Well…!!
So what is a foot wound but a permanently disfiguring Tamagotchi!
8. Rhino Horn
Because at least you still have company despite the stabbing.
7. My Own Sword
This is a toss-up, because it could be a result of great chivalry or great clumsiness.
6. Huge Icicle
If the forensics team doesn’t get there in time they would just have to list the cause of death as the mysterious “hole-itis”
5. A Live Eel
There’s nothing quite like getting impaled by a wriggling sentient phallus.
4. Pointy Stick While Skiing
It was seeing this that spawned the list. The worst part would be watching everyone passing by, still having a good time, with no kabob through their abdomen.
3. Two Narwhals
Unicorns turned into real jerks when they got chased into the ocean. Plus there are TWO of them.
2. Carrot in the Eye
COMPLETE OPPOSITE USUAL PURPOSE
1. The Iwo Jima Memorial
Because it's unsettling to imagine five dudes that hate you enough to team up to stab you.
I’m here to tell you about the best movie you have never seen. The Italian title is “Dellamorte Dellamore” and the stupid title is “Cemetery Man.” It is an existential zombie movie that features the archetypal bad-ass Rupert Everett complacently rampaging through the walking dead.
“ ‘Archetypal bad-ass’ Rupert Everett?” You might ask. Yeah, that’s right. Rupert. Freaking. Everett. And he blasts some zombies. He asks himself some transcendental questions regarding the duality of love and death. And between all that he manages to spend some quality time in Anna Falchi.
Sure, it’s a B-horror movie. But if you take the time you’ll notice it’s also a devilishly well-written movie with some pretty damn arousing cinematography. It’s been my favorite movie for quite some time (I’m pretty sure it’s what put me through puberty).
There’s not much else to say, other than to see it. It’s best taken with beer and pretzels, I might add, but pay close attention because if you miss my favorite lines I’ll sense it and my heart will break from miles away.
If you end up watching it and not liking it, I don’t want to hear about it. Leave me alone.
Why aren't you watching this right now?
Everyone on Facebook is doing 25 random things about themselves. Consider this bandwagon jumped on:
RULES (according to the chain post): Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, felonies, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, fuck you.
1. All of my money is safely invested in lottery tickets.
2. I have never been able to correctly spell pkyvqgccceknzv.
3. Millions of years ago I killed the dinosaurs.
4. My beard exists solely to cover an embarrassing tattoo of a beard.
5. Every time I go to the zoo, I steal a penguin. I’m building an army.
6. I once went on an adventure in a dark magic school bus. We went to the fifth circle of hell.
7. I invented the shark. Sorry.
8. I’ve been to the moon and it’s covered with cocaine. No, wait, I have that backwards.
9. I can pull coins out of people’s ears but it’s a very lengthy and costly operation.
10. Due to reverse evolution, I am now the proud owner of a third hand. Also, gills.
11. Unrelated, I stole someone’s hand once.
12-23. (Unique genital variations)
24. I spent three years as a drummer for U2.
25. Hell is a place on Earth and we all live there.
Tomorrow Tony and I are getting on planes and flying to New York. This will be our first East Coast appearance through AmazingSuperPowers, so that’s exciting. Tonight I’m packing, which leaves me searching the internet to see if they wear pants in New York in between trying to convince Tony that he isn’t going to be gunned down by rival rappers.
We’re both really excited (borderline aroused) to be traveling to NY, and being West Coast children it’s both of our first times going out there. Legend has it (and by “legend” I mean AccuWeather.com) that it’s an arctic wonderland right now, which means that we probably won’t be able to fulfill our dream of renting a car and sitting in glamorous New York traffic all day. We’ll just have to be satisfied by falling “victim” to a frotteur on the subway.
One of the events we’ll be a part of there is a webcomics/print comics drinkup on Saturday, February 7th at Stitch NYC starting at 7 pm. It’s only a few blocks from the Javits Center, and there will be a bunch of authors and artists there wanting to drink and have a good time. It’s hosted by the guys from iFanboy, 1up.com, and the ROFLCrew. I’ll post some reminders here again, so that way you don’t miss out on having us awkwardly making you spill the drink you just paid for all over your pants with a failed handshake, followed by pointing and laughing. Glamour! New York!
Just a quick note here: Wes and I are fairly new to the well settled [though still wild] frontier known as Webcomics. This is something that we do for fun ‘n’ such, and while occasionally we pull a little profit from it we do it because we like doin’ it. Both of us are occupied by full time professions outside of the comic, but the pulse of the self-sufficient web comic world is something we like to keep our fingers on. And so, the point: Jeph Jacques of the indomitable Questionable Content whipped up a terrific post about comic creators, web and print, and what’s goin’ on these days. Put your eyes on it, it’s very intersting:
Edit: I’m not implying anything here, folks, I just think it’s a neat read.
Went to the Portand Zoo last week. As far as zoos go, it is one of the less depressing ones, with the exception of the really outraged African animals that angrily fester in their heated trees as the ambient temperature drops. It’s not as intense as the Berlin zoo, where they drop a cow into the lion cage à la Jurassic Park while parents look in horror and kids think it’s awesome. So here are some highlights. I don’t have any pictures of monkeys, because they don’t require too much imagination:
Steps to be a monkey:
1) Pick something that you do in private
2) Do it in public
3) Be covered in hair
On to the photographic evidence!
This is vaguely similar to the first 13 years of my life.
NO, DON’T GO IN THERE
This is also the tagline of my favorite adult site.
Fuck everything; here’s a cute sleeping otter.
Science gets all of the best bodies. Meanwhile, other disciplines are left out in the cold, forgotten. Screw that. I’m going to donate my body to a field of study that needs it.
“But wait,” you might say, shouting at your computer in hopes that I could hear you through the magic electronic tubes, “an incalculable amount of discoveries are made when people donate their bodies to science! You are helping your fellow humans by giving researchers and surgeons valuable people parts!”
But nay, I say in response. What about the philosophy professor without the human corpse waiting by his doorstep, or the Greek literature scholar, depressed because nobody thought of her when looking for places to donate their lifeless husk? Imagine the joy in their eyes when they open their doors and see a recently deceased body flopped there, with a handwritten note that simply stated, “You thought we’d forgotten *wink*. “
So when thinking of places to mail off your remains, be sure to call up the Spanish or accounting studies departments of your local college or university. These people deserve your attention, too. Except marketing. Anything but marketing. They already have enough soulless corpses.
All you people are really neat. Yeah!
Stay in school [unless you get pregnant and drop out!]
Stay off drugs [unless your peers pressure you!]
Today while walking back from a discussion group about vampirism I saw something that blew my mind and filled me with rage.
I saw a bird.
Eating a worm.
I’ve heard about this phenomenon in books, plays, and rap music, but I’ve never actually seen it happen. What the hell, bird? I glared at him indignantly. Why do you eat that worm? Just because cultural norms dictate that you, as a bird, are highly interested in worms, doesn’t mean that you are obligated to do so. You know what you are, bird? A walking stereotype.
By reinforcing assumptions about the behavior of birds, you are making it even more difficult for your bird brethren to break through the social barriers and make their own destiny. It’s because of you there are no sparrows in college.
Unfortunately, the bird was not receptive. He merely stared at me with a vacant expression that screamed, “This is all I know.”
The worm was also silent.
What's next? A dog chasing a car? Disgusting.
I should also point out that this occurred at 1:00 in the afternoon, which means that the old adage is full of shit.
I’m sure this must be a well documented phenomenon, but bear with me:
Math on a standard consumer grade microwave does not make sense. Any entry of cooking time that is 99 or lower is counted by SECONDS, but any entry of 100 or higher is a count of MINUTES and seconds.
Can anyone explain to me how entering 75 will get me one minute and fifteen seconds just as I’d expect, but an entry of 100 gets me one minute? WHAT IF I WANT ONE MINUTE AND FORTY SECONDS, WHICH PERHAPS IS THE MAGIC COOKING TIME? Do you expect me to input 140? No! Because that SHOULD be two minutes and twenty seconds. WHAT HAS HAPPENED, MICROWAVE? You owe me forty seconds.
Okay, so: I know what you’re going to tell me. That the ability to enter time by seconds at 99 and under is a luxury afforded to us both by ease of design and that it allows more precise cooking time for things that might need to be cooked just over a minute when you only have time to enter TWO numbers and not THREE. 
Well, I feel betrayed. Once you have three numbers in sequence, you have created a PATTERN. And microwaves, well, they’ve established a pattern with a series of 99 numbers. A pattern of entry by SECONDS. And then everything gets flipped upside down.
Life is a lie.
Fable #1
On an average, normal, typical, blustery day in the Magic Kingdom of Bluster, a sullen looking Princess sullenly skulked into the town tavern. For hours she moped at the bar all mopey-like until the bartender finally asked her,
“What’s wrong, Princess?”
Tears welled behind her eyes and her lip quivered in a most quivering fashion and she belched a reply,
“All the frogs I try to kiss keep turning into princes.”
The End.
Epilogue: She dies alone.
Moral of the Fable: Everything is terrible.
Right now I’m living in Portland and we are getting a copious amount of snow. It mostly chooses to attack at night, much like other unsavory things such as vampires, wolves, and fraternities. Snow is falling from the sky and hiding our cars. It is covering our roadways with ice and selling cocaine to our children, or at least getting them accustomed to frequently hearing the word “snow.”
There is the common myth that the Inuit people have dozens of words for snow. It is also true here, but 90% of them are swear words. The other 10% are racial slurs and unpopular dictators.
Anyway, in between the twelve inches of Hitler falling from the sky, we did a Christmas comic. Our apologies if you don’t celebrate Christmas. If you want to simulate the Christmas Experience® to determine whether or not it’s for you, nail your sock to a wall then sprinkle tinfoil all over the dead tree that you dragged into your living room. Happy Holidays!
Meanwhile, I’ll be here, battling through this cold white oppression. If you are from a place like New York or Moscow and this is common for you, at least your infrastructure is prepared for this. The only human contact I have right now are the two snowmen I built near my backdoor. They are terrible conversationalists. Also, they are bigots.
There are a number of common misconceptions around the internet universe. Here is one of them:
Typing a web address in all caps will *not* take you there faster.
100% False. Most web browsers hate to be yelled at, and will hasten their pace to not suffer your wrath.
I visited Cuil the other day because I love non-sequiturs, and I decided to search for AmazingSuperPowers to see if the lost puppy that is the Cuil engine could find our site. This is a screenshot of what turned up:
Apparently, Godslug is no longer our mascot. I know what you are thinking: “But I love that slug!” and, “that picture isn’t even on the same server as this site.” But Cuil has spoken, and the Slug has been usurped by a girl in a wheelchair(?) who appears to be really interested in what you are saying. At least this will expand our demographic; we honestly haven’t done that much to advertise to the interested-preteens-with-health-problems community.
So thanks, Cuil, for keeping us informed on what certain websites are really about.
Also, we have perma-links.
Sometimes we get ideas for comics that make sense. This isn’t one.
As part of the ongoing memorial ceremony for the death of the Polaroid, here are a few of the more amusing photos taken from my trip to Europe a summer or two ago. Yes, I did lug around an instant camera and twenty-five packages of film across eight countries. Take your judgment elsewhere.
Seems like good advice.
A few revisions were required to make this more accurate.
In case you can’t tell, the red sign says “Murphy’s Law.”
This sign was facing in the direction opposite to the dangerous step. This implies that instead of “Watch your step” this sign can only mean, “Watch out for falling people.”
If you had this statue in your yard, no one would mess with you. Mainly because it takes a huge badass to steal a statue from the Louvre
I’m not saying that I am a trend setter, but I am saying that I set trends. All the time. As it turns out, most anything that is popular I liked long before you did. Here’s a brief list of some things that I liked way before any of you did, which makes me so much cooler:
Sleeping In
Been doing this all my life. You folks out there who just got jobs, and suddenly realize how precious morning sleep is? Yeah, I was loving that shit while you were a fetus. A FETUS. Just try getting me out of bed. You’ll need an army of peasants with pitchforks.
Snow
Snow is totally dope, y’all. Let’s face it, it’s water in its most brutal state. Except for giant icicles maybe. But yeah, snow? I was eating and peeing in it (in whatever order) before you ever heard what a ski was. Before you were cutting the powder, I was leaving my name in neon down your favorite slopes.
Rocket Launchers
I liked these things back when they were called BAZOOKAS. This slightly predates the era when all machine guns were referred to as “uzis.”
Scooters
Okay, so the Razor trend has passed, and if you’re still riding one you should take a look in a mirror and search for some reason to be proud of yourself. But back when I was 6 years old, I had a scooter with Snoopy and Woodstock on it, and I sported that board everywhere. I rode it until termites ate the wheels off of it, and it made me the coolest cat on the block. The WHOLE block.
Cats
LOL Cats? Try some REAL cats. I had shit tons. Legions.
James Bond
It’s called a VHS tape of “Thunderball.”
Wizards
Take your Harry Potter and shove it. In my day wizards had beards as long as their ***** and they would explode your face with a fireball.
Concern Over Global Warming
I wrote the script for Waterworld IN MY DREAMS.
DVDs
Before the movies in disc format blew everyone’s minds, I was spinning some phat platters called Laserdiscs. Eat it.
Tacos
I grew up INSIDE of a Del Taco. My hair still smells like Sonora Chicken Burritos.
Medical Experimentation For Money
Gurk.
Showering/Bathing/Hygiene
It was ALWAYS a good idea? Why did it take you so long to catch on.
That Being “Cool” Is Uncool
Why do you think I liked all these things before they were cool? Because it was UNCOOL back then. Which, in turn, is COOL. Why do you think I wrote this post in a manner in which it would appear that I’m joking? So you don’t realize how UNCOOL I really am, which in turn is SUPER COOL.
You people are impossible.
Today’s comic was unintentionally harrowing. Sure, we’ve done (multiple) comics where children encounter tentacled monsters and people battle bears with robot-parts, but that doesn’t come close to the horror that is the candiru. I’m trying to think of members species of the animal kingdom that are more terrifying, but nothing really is as … unsettling. I guess it could be worse. The fish could be programmed to explode when it finds itself trapped, but I haven’t read anything on that. Maybe you have. I defy you to browse Wikipedia and find another animal that elicits the same squirm as the dickfish.
While playing the game Left 4 Dead the other night for a couple hours, I learned a lot about the people whom I used to call my “friends.” In case you are unfamiliar, Left 4 Dead is an online cooperative zombie-survival game, albeit most of these “friends” I speak of view the “cooperative” element as optional. Here are a few things that I’ve learned about these people whom I used to trust:
There are fires, blackouts, economic collapses, and everything was once better than it is now, but tacos are forever.
Y/N ?
The other night someone must have injected some testosterone into my late-night Apple Jacks because I had one of the most intense dreams of my life. And now you are all going to hear about it.
Typically, my dreams are fairly action-packed, but my first year of medical school has filled a lot of my brain-space with paranoia for exams, which I think leaked into the “awesome” lobe of my brain.
The dream: Having finished Gross Anatomy, we moved on to the next course: “Disease Treatment.” Only in this case, we treated diseases by tearing open and climbing into the very fabric of our patients’ souls, which I can only assume was some seriously dark magic.
Having torn a hole in the space-time-spirituality continuum, we reluctantly plummeted into their inner psyche where we battled physical manifestations of their ailments using chainsaws, shotguns, and crossbows. It was terrifying. It was like Osmosis Jones if Rob Zombie did the art direction.
At one point in the dream I was set to battle Hepatitis B, which presented itself startlingly similarly to the queen in Aliens (Copyright apparently doesn’t extend to the subconscious. Yet.) Anyway, I had to battle this thing in a dark cavern with a chainsaw. They wouldn’t let me out until I finished the “treatment.” So I went up against the slimy thing, screaming the entire time out of terror, which foreshadows what my surgical career is probably going to be like.
The dream concluded with a final exam, which began with us firing a handgun at a target and concluded with us having to cross the firing range alive. In retrospect, that’s not too different from the actual process.
So Los Angeles is burning down all around me, and I had to dig my car out from under and inch of ash this morning to drive to work. OOPS.
But it got me thinking “that” thought. You know the one I’m talking about, where you play out a crisis scenario in your head (for most of you it is probably the impending/anticipated zombie invasion), and try and decide what you’d bring and where you’d go.
So far the only thing I have on my list to bring is my glasses. Normally I wear contact lenses to take care of my intensely blurry bat-vision, (Gasp! A webcomicker with glasses, it can’t be true!) but I am certain I could not survive ten minutes in the wild without my glasses.
So help me out folks. When LA burns down and I have to flee, where should I go and what should I bring? What location is a nice refuge for a soot covered dude in thick glasses? What condiments should I bring to go with my crisis hot dogs? What would you do yourself?
This is a reminder that our store in Topatoco is full of sexy designs!
Astro-Diver: BFF
What if the two greatest archetypal explorers of all time were BEST friends? Well, they’d probably do this! They might also get milkshakes, lounge around in a park, go to the arcade, and have sleepovers where they would tell each other scary ghost stories.
Love the Bomb 
It’s easy to stop worrying when you are soaring through the clouds on a mighty steed packed with equal parts magic and uranium. The tricky part is the landing. Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!
The Penny-Farthing 
FACE IT! As part of the top-hat wearing intellectual elite, you find yourself the constant target of mockery and derision for your chosen mode of transport! Stick it to the Man with a shirt that says, “Hey world, I bite my thumb at thee.” Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!
Spongesaurus 
Behold a tribute to the favorite pills of your childhood. No, not your mother’s Valium; instead, these little capsules, when combined with water, unleashed a terrible beast not seen since the Jurassic period. These dinosaurs are terrifying, stylish, and super-absorbent!
(A quick note: Selling these shirts are how we support the rising cost of site without cramming advertising all over it. Sporting one of these beauties is the ultimate way to give us a high-five)
Yes, we are fully aware of the implications of today’s strip. In this little lock-and-key universe, the fact that the locks are wearing their genitalia proudly on their chests like the Kryptonian “S” of Superman does not escape us. And indeed the men are essentially giant upright penises, bouncing around like Tigger from one adventure to the next.
But that’s not I’m here to talk about. Instead, I’d like to discuss the issue on everyone’s mind today. That’s right. Ghosts. I believe that my driveway is haunted. Hear me out before you callously dismiss me as being paranoid.
I first noticed that something was amiss when I heard intermittent rushing of wind from outside followed by the occasional thud against my window. The only logical conclusion was that these were ghosts staggering around, doomed to fulfill unfinished business. Or they were just bored and clumsy. Either way: Ghosts!
Exhibit 2: I was attempting to carry a fifty-pound package of seeds into the apartment (in an unrelated project to grow my own firewood in my backyard) when it spilled open, scattering a handfuls of seeds all over the porch. “I’ll clean it up in the morning,” I thought, not suspecting that ghouls would intervene (a foolish thought, I know). The next morning, I stumbled out to my front porch still tipsy from my breakfast Windex, and all of the seeds were gone! Unaware that ghosts liked eating tree fetuses so much, I slammed the door behind me as I cowered in fear and quietly hiccupped bubbles.
After three days of sitting by the door listening to the ghosts mill around and chirp to one another in their high-pitched ghost language, the sounds finally subsided and I ventured outside armed with a Dirt-Devil to capture any ghosts that might show themselves.
I investigated the area, and the evidence of ghosts was strikingly clear. There was bright white ectoplasm all over my car and the sidewalk. And it must have been cold because I found a few feathers that likely spilled out of one of the ghosts wearing a down jacket.
This message was a warning. If I suddenly disappear, get your (anti) ghost-gun. It might already be too late.
Wikipedia holds an extensive knowledge base on dinosaurs. This easily-accessed information is occasionally useful for time travelers such as myself. Each article has a reference image for the sizes of these ancient reptiles. It turns out these pictures summed up my feelings and encounters with these wacky dead lizards:
We present the results of the AmazingSuperPowers Super Contest: Anniversary Edition!
Most Actually Shot By An Arrow
“Nice Catch” by Roxanne J., and Decker S.
Recreation of “Nice Catch”
Given these people’s willingness to be shot by an arrow to earn silver bullets, we can only assume that they are in immediate danger of werewolves. Best of luck!
Most Totally Late
“Love the Bomb: The Game” by “chubbthehippo”
Game Inspired by “Love the Bomb”
We received this entry days after the contest ended with evidence that he had originally sent it to the wrong e-mail address, securing his spot as “Latest Entry.” Plus the game distracts our hands from sin.
Most Entries Submitted
Chris P.’s many Submissions
111 Entries Based on Every Comic
We’re worried about this man finding out where we live.
Best Statistic in a Game
From “Grumpyfish Game” by Ciaren C.
Game Inspired by Dearly Departed
At the conclusion of this game, the sole statistic provided is “You hit (#) turds.” I guess that would be the most memorable aspect of every adventure.
Most Hulk
“Oh Nuts” by Phil N.
Recreation of “Oh Nuts”
The Incredible Hulk would make a unfortunate prison guard, but a terrifying cellmate. Also featured hardware doin’ it.
Third Place (Prize: Blackmail against Wes and Tony):
“Hungerman: The Comic Book” by Isaac H.
Inspired by “Hungerman”
Not only was this obviously made with love, but it also made us really want a sandwich.
Second Place (Prize: Six Silver Bullets):
“Rebirth” by Will H. and Kate B.
Recreation of “I’m Flying!”
You’ll notice that Will H. is in our Links section, making him a friend of the site. We were completely objective in choosing our winners, and we in fact received other entries from friends that did not place. This one, however, was super sweet.
First Place (Three Shirts from our Store, and an Original Drawing):
“Portraits of Hitler” by Jeremy M.
Inspired by “We All Have Regrets”
We love everything about this, including the fact that a man took the time to lovingly Photoshop Hitler’s head on pregnant women with dramatic lighting, and then send the creation to complete strangers. Then the strangers reward him with shirts and drawings.
Take that, Hitler.
After much deliberation, the contest is over and the winners have been notified! Much appreciation for everyone’s participation in this contest. We’ve heard back from all of the winners and will be publishing their entries at the beginning of next week! Thanks again for all of the wonderful entries!
***
Listen up everyone! Tired of showing your appreciation for ASP by staring at the screen so long that our comics become burned into the back of your eyeballs? We’ve got good news for you! We are officially kick starting our Amazing Super Contest: Anniversary Edition. With it, we are giving you the opportunity to show off your talents and make us look like a steaming pile of fish eggs. In retrospect, that’s not exactly very good for us, but we’re too committed to turn back!
Here’s how to enter:
The deadline for entries is on October 12, 2008 at the end of the day.
Here are the prizes:
A few little details:
One year ago, a little webcomic called AmazingSuperPowers was squeezed into this world, screaming and wailing, an unholy monster conceived by the violent skull-collisions of Tony and Wes. In order to celebrate this one-year anniversary, we’ve crafted a few decorations for your computer so you can infect your screen with our slimy charm. You’ll find a precious little bundle of desktop wallpapers at the bottom of this post.
Meanwhile, we are currently working on a few new shirts, and until then be sure to check out the shirts currently on sale in our store. It’s that kind of support that keeps this site rolling and the good times flowing. It also keeps everyone from seeing your oddly-shaped nipples.
Be sure to check back here on Monday. To commemorate this anniversary even more, we’ll be kick-starting our AmazingSuperContest #2, which will be wicked and awesome and wicked awesome.
The wallpapers!
In order to generate a little more revenue around here, well be implementing minor product placement. Don’t worry, these will hardly be noticeable. To guarantee that we rake in as much cash from this endeavor as possible, we will be retroactively making these changes to our archive of comics. We are still waiting to be approached by advertisers, but here’s a sample of the appealing and tasteful venues for your company’s products!
Today’s comic makes me smile. After all, isn’t that what amusement parks are supposed to do? I wouldn’t be suprised if RazzleWorld or whatever the Hell we decide to call the park shows up again, considering the seemingly endless supply of people, robots, and blatant commercialism that loves to lurk around theme parks. Because of all the fun to be had, we had a few extra alt-texts lying around:
“ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE MAKE BELIEVE”
Sad employees grow on trees.
Good thing that she got the head back on before her son realized A) that Razzlebear isn’t real, and B) that his father was a theme park employee.
There is still a skeleton with a red hat and a fake white beard in their chimney.
“Razzlebear can fly just like daddy!”
“MY MAGIC KINGDOM AWAITS ME IN THE AFTERLIFE”
The boy finds this strangely reminiscent of that “Daddy-Pinata” mom gave him on his birthday.
Two Weeks Later: “Wow! Razzlebear and those birds are best friends!”
The third life claimed by the controversial Noose-Ride at Razzleworld
“Onward to the next adventure!”
Google Chat has the incriminating feature of saving transcripts of every conversation that you’ve had through their service. Below are some highlights from the extensive conversations Tony and I have had instead of producing content for the site.
***
Wes: pretty sexy
Tony: what’s more sexy is that the 21st most popular search query that directs people to our site is “eel ladies”
Wes: woooooooow
***
Wes: i’m writing a quiz for my class
and i need to make 8 points come out of nowhere
Tony: “Check box for 8 points”
Wes: hahahaaa
Tony: or “Student, what is best in life?”
Wes: “To crush your enemies! to see them driven before you! And to hear the lamentation of the vimen.”
“No…”
“it was ‘Pottery.’”
“‘Pottery.’”
***
Tony: 
have you noticed that our comic seems to be very popular with the (german) body building community?
Wes: i noticed that
i was looking through the site stats in lab
and suddenly the screen filled with muscled germans at a variety of genders
Tony:
***
In reference to our FAQ:
Wes: i had to put a filter on my spam folder to automatically not screen out emails that say “penis enlargement”
Tony: hahahah
do you get real ones?
Wes: strangely, no
just the fans offer it
Tony: dang
our penises will be small foreveeeeer.
***
Wes: i tried to think of comic ideas during the hike
then i started thinking of comics that would be just cruel to you because of the drawing difficulty
like 200 chipmunks carrying off the mona lisa
Tony: WHERE’S THE PUNCHLINE
Wes: that your hand hurts
***
Wes: oh cool
do you have a broom you don’t use?
Tony: i use all of my brooms
Wes: you suck
Tony: quite frequently
Wes: alright see you soon
Tony: i’m not sure i even have a broom
***
Tony: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Wes: that’s a lot of butts
***
Tony: i can hear wicked game by chris isaak through a wall
i am the only one here
and it’s spooky
i don’t know where it’s coming from
Wes: that’s terrifying
Tony: it’s quite loud
for something not coming from inside my building
8 minutes
Tony: the good news is that it seems to be on repeat.
Wes: o thank god
***
Wes: booger
Tony: hahahhaha
***
Okay – check it, yo. I have a serious habit of latching onto fragmented childhood memories, trying to piece them back together using whatever seemingly useless shreds of information I can gather… SO!
Those cups, those GOSH DAMNED CUPS. In the early to mid-nineties they used to be EVERYWHERE. I -of course- am talking about the classic generic wax paper cup, found at non-chain burger joints all over southern California and probably THE WORLD. They’re red at the bottom, orange in the middle, yellow above that and then white at the top. I think. I could be wrong. But whatever the arrangement of colors, I am certain that as a wee one I sucked a shit ton of Coca-Soda-Cola-Pop out of those things.
And I don’t know what they’re called. I don’t know if they still exist. I can’t find so much as a PICTURE of them on the Google Internet. It’s breaking my heart to horrible little pieces.
BUT! If ANY of you can give me the names of these cups, any information of note, I will PERSONALLY draw and mail you an AWESOME drawing of your choice. I swears it. Pinkie promise.
Okay, so leave a comment if you have any leads. Please.
—————————-
*This is not a real contest per se, but I will stick to my word until I have enough information that I can close the contest!! So, do, my friends! Do do do!! DO!!
One hundred comics! There’s a milestone or something. I know that you can divide 100 by a lot of other numbers, which makes it significant, apparently. More importantly, expect more of a shindig come the 25th of this month, because that is when we will be celebrating AmazingSuperPowers’ first successful rotation around the sun.
It was also only at the last minute that I actually remembered to renew the domain “AmazingSuperPowers.com,” which is a good thing if you are a fan of the comics and a bad thing if you are really into attack porn sites. In related news, stay tuned for AmazingSuperPowers‘ exciting transition into an attack porn site!
And when I say “attack porn” I don’t mean that the site will attack your computer with pop-ups, viruses, and LOLcats. Instead, our highly paid actors and actresses will find your house, punch you in the arm, and make fun of your pets. And they will do it naked.
One hundred comics! Hot damn, that is potentially enough to be able to release a book. Naw, there’s no way we could afford to put the money up front for that…
so i have been thinking about totally changing up the site
ta da
It’s been a tragic week here at Amazing Super Powers as we’ve had to cope with the loss of a loved one. Normally, ASP’s stoic motto is “Bury your dead,” but not today. Today Wes and I weep like little sissy women children wimp sissies. At approximately 10:32 PM on Thursday, August 21st I discovered that the Bob’s Big Boy restaurant on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles has been slain. What was hands down our favorite dining establishment in all of Los Angeles -that at our best we patronized weekly- has been toppled, butched, and barbaricly slain. Nothing but several grey bricks remain strewn about a vacant lot, several piles of debris with twisted shoots of rebar reaching to the sky, shouting the word “WHY?!” at a god who is too uncaring or immaterial to have intervened. For the time being, the Bob’s Big Boy sign still stands. Where it once stood proud and confident, it is now a lonely and solemn beacon to the all the damned and heartbroken ghosts of Los[t] Angeles.
While exact time of death is unknown to me, a little detective work has revealed that cause of demise was Death by Cliche. Big Boy Wilshire was torn down to make room for a car dealership, and any research into the matter will show that dealerships have a mean penchant for murdering Big Boys. Now, this is nothing I’m ready to tie a noose over. There are other Big Boys (although they are unfortunately lacking in the charm and quality of the individually owned Wilshire location), and we will always have the memories of hours spent at our corner booth that they always knew to seat us at, drinking chocolate milk shakes and cup after cup of coffee, solving an existential crisis over the classic Big Boy Combo. I suppose, thinking about it now, that this loss doesn’t belong to us. This loss belongs to each and every one of you who never had the chance to cram your gullet full of The Boy’s unique brand of stale, greasy Americana.
I’m not too good and being sentimental, so to wrap this up, I say fare thee well, Big Boy! You were a greater friend than I ever could have hoped from a restaurant.
You may have noticed that ASP is a comic about a young girl and her adventures through toyland with her anthropomorphic teddy bear, and is not a comic about video games (which is a terrible crime, because what this world needs more of is video game related humor and, more importantly, video game related miscarriage humor.)
Nonetheless, this post is about a video game! Wes and I both own Xbox 360s, and were excited to hear about a game called “Braid” coming to the Arcade. Despite our initial alarm and dismay that this wasn’t a game about hairstyling, we were pleased to find a beautiful little world in which you guide Angus Young through a slew of clever puzzles. And yes, even though Wes and I are both card-carrying MENSA members, now and again we like things that make us feel smart. For instance, being the only people we know that don’t watch Bravo. LOL?
We’re strong supporters of paying for things that you like in order to keep the good times rollin’, so y’all should check it out. Additionally, the artwork in Braid was done by the very talented David Hellman of A Lesson is Learned but the Damage is Irreversible, one of our favorite reads.
KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON.
Today’s comic is called “Last Request,” and it is about bad things happening to people.
Also, here is a drawing of a pair of cats. I believe it comes from England.
I don’t have the desire to try to hone in the The Onion’s territory, for they bring pseudo-news to an art form. But there were a few headlines threatening to burst from my forehead so here they are (click to enlarge):
(Also, special thanks to Jim H. for the main headline that prompted this)
Let me start off by saying that Harry Potter has done plenty of good. It has encouraged kids to read, popularized wizardry, and it has made a single mother rich. I do, however, protest its literary shortcomings. What worries me is that years from now, when the young Harry Potter fanatics grow up to become teachers, principles, and superintendents, they will see it as a “classic” and approve it as a required reading in schools.
I’d like to point out the similarities between the Potter universe and that of one of the most iconic set of characters created by humans. Correct, I’m speaking of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
What the Hell do the Ninja Turtles have to do with Harry Potter? The four turtles have distinct personalities, right? And a reoccurring dynamic within Hogwarts is between the four houses. Let’s see if we can play sorting hat and find homes for these turtles:
As of now we’ve straightforwardly placed the four turtles into the four houses. Now, for both the wizards and the turtles, if only there was some calm, elderly mentor with long, grey hair who occasionally showed great mastery in the craft that he taught to his pupils.
Oh wait. I guess it turns out that Splinter and Dumbledore would make good poker buddies.
The when I first noticed this alignment I felt a bit cheated. I’m far from saying that Rowling ripped off TMNT. Rather, I think it’s silly that this literary piece that we are likely to see in schools someday lines up so well with an 80s pop culture craze starring four hominid turtles that practice ninjutsu. Also, they are teenagers. Who love pizza*.
There you have it. I’ve heard claims that Harry Potter is similar in storyline to Star Wars. Meh. There’s more alignment in the Manhattan sewers. And Hell, even with their differing personalities the turtles work as a team much more readily than the four houses in Rowling’s saga of owls, thinly-veiled Holocaust allegories, and long-term camping trips.
*Yes, in the Harry Potter series it’s never explicitly said that the kids love pizza. But c’mon, what teenagers don’t? I’ve had pizza in Britain. That shit is delicious.
So, a 5.8 earth-shattering earthquake just dropped on Los Angeles, WHICH IS EFFED UP. I am at work right now, and I was all like, “this is so totally the rapture, and I kind of regret a bunch of stuff I did.” Once I realized that things was cool and I wrung the stank urine out of my pants, though, I realized that the only thing I REALLY regret was NOT EATING MORE SANDWICHES. More than anything on the planet, I love sandwiches. Sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. And in short, the lesson I learned today, is that if I am on the verge of death, my last moments will be peaceful, thinking of sandwiches all the while. Also I will fill my pants with stank urine.
AmazingSuperPowers will be at Comic-Con this weekend! Instead of renting a traditional, boring, stationary booth, ASP will be represented by two fully functional human beings! That’s right! Wes and Tony are the booth. These “human beings” are completely mobile, kosher, and devilishly handsome. Unfortunately, we will not be located on the map due to our dynamic nature, and the San Diego Convention Center officials declined our reasonable request for us to have GPS collars that could be used for people to track our whereabouts on a huge jumbotron in the middle of the main exhibition hall.
Consequently, in the spirit of “Where’s Waldo,” if you want to meet the creators of AmazingSuperPowers you’ll have to hunt us down (Here’s a hint: Tony is tall, and Wes wears glasses). If you manage to locate us amongst the 125,000 other attendees, as a reward we’ll kiss your attractive sisters for totally free.
Some of you may have noticed or were outraged by the fact that the Live Nudes comic had been trimmed from four panels to three panels. If you missed the boat and never saw the fourth panel, it’s been changed to a link located on the door in the last frame.
So why the change? Simple: We hate you and will do everything in our power to make your life worse. Remember your sandwich that disappeared from the fridge? We ate it. You know that girl who never called you back? We ate that, too. Remember that speeding ticket you got? Well, we had nothing to do with that directly but we support our local police.
In all honesty, we probably don’t hate you. In fact, we’d probably swerve if you were standing in the middle of the street, gazing at us with those large, glistening eyes of yours. The truth is that we received more than a few confused comments and e-mails from individuals who did not understand the strip. In most cases, people were held back from enjoying the strip because they weren’t certain if they understood it.
The fourth panel was included in the first place because of our delight in imagining the demand to check out some live nudes. In fact, not only is the place full, but there is a queue of people outside. We also appreciated the ambiguity of these people being either necrophiliacs or simply curious. Or CSI fans. Or bored. Whatever the reason, you yourself would probably be waiting in that line for the same reason traffic slows down next to a train wreck.
The problem was that people thought there was a huge criminal conspiracy they were missing, were wondering why the guy was being arrested, missed the sign, or something else entirely. The comic was ultimately changed because we decided that it toed the line from “subtle” to “vague.” With three panels, the joke lies in the resiliency of the owner of the strip club in question. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Except in this case, when life gives you dead strippers, the show must go on.
Guess what! Remember, like, three days ago when you were all like, “Crap! I wish I could update my wardrobe with a load of totally boss tee-shirts designed by my favorite website, Amazing Super Powers!” No? Well, you did. I think. I’m pretty sure at least. The important thing is that now you can! ASP has four new body holsters, for boys and girls alike! And best of all, these shirts can be found on Topatoco, your friendly neighborweb retailer! Topatoco’s got some dang good goods from a troop of super duper comics! So check out some shirts, check out some Topatoco shops, and check out some other comics!
And if this is your first time visiting AmazingSuperPowers, be sure to check out our FAQ to make sure that you are using this site correctly.
It is appropriate that today’s comic is called “toast,” considering that Wes got hitched on the 21st and Tony served as his Best Man. Also, by “hitched” we mean “married,” not tied to a post. Win!
Technological Update:
Hooray for the technophiles out there and bad news for cavemen: AmazingSuperPowers’ comics are now compatible with both the Apple iPhone and the Nintendo Wii.
If you have a deep-seeded grudge against the iPhone and/or the Wii,
take a moment to reflect on your priorities then point the alternative
browser of your choice at our site and see if we have updated
compatibility for that one, too. In most cases, we have! In other
cases, we haven’t!
To access the site on the iPhone:
To access the site on the Wii:
Note: We are still trying to make AmazingSuperPowers accessible from the Sony Playstation 3 browser. Currently, all attempts to access the site from the PS3 lead to violent waves of contagious vaginal prolapses.
Try your fortune and check out the newest uploaded feature entitled Magic H8 Ball.
It’s a short film about the hijinks of a boy who is haunted to the very
core by an evil Magic 8 Ball, which comes between him and his
grandfather. It was written, directed, and edited by Tony.
-Wes/Tony
IF YOU LIKED THE ART TODAY WE CAN BE BRIBED TO KEEP IT UP. OTHERWISE THE LAZINESS WILL COMMENCE AS PLANNED.
For those of you frozen like frightened ground squirrels at the size of the archive page, we have provided a “random”
button to let us decide for you. The idea struck us like a meteorite
when we were having our usual back-alley craps game. It also pleases us
to be adding just a smidgen more chaos to the world through this new
option. May fate be at your side and the wind be at your back. Also,
Gandalf is there.
-Wes/Tony
P.S. Big thanks to Matt Wright for the script that gives the button life.
After hours of intense meditation and diligence, the upgraded AmazingSuperPowers bursts from our skulls and onto the internet. Here are a few highlights that you should definitely explore:
o We added a store! Our new AmazingSuperPowers Crest shirt will serve you well, protecting
you from [very slow] bullets, and caressing you with the
prodding/groping fingers of ‘Super-Style.
o Nothing says “sexy” like a new color scheme, except for maybe the word
“sexy.” The colors chosen should minimize eye explosions and stabilize
the site at high speeds.
o And keep in mind we are still continuously adding new slugs, sketches, and features. Also, there’s a webcomic.
-Wes/Tony
Finally. After two years we upload Gibson MacReady: Savior of Funk. This was the first ever project we worked on as a collaboration. It’s hosted at Newgrounds. Click the link to find out more.
-Wes/Tony
Those of you who have been frothing, seething, and salivating for a new link in our links section…. GOOD NEWS! We have one! A new link, that is! Recently we had the sumptuous pleasure of meeting Scott Campbell, professional artistman and art director at Double Fine Productions. Scott was signing for his alternate cover art for the terrific and entertaining King of Kong, and we got a chance to meet up with him. He’s been a big influence on us and is an all-round radical dude, be sure to check out his stuff.
-Wes/Tony
For those of you who are using Firefox and can’t see the entire alt-text to a comic by hovering, try this add-on.
-Wes/Tony
“It’s Carl” and Sketch Depot
are constantly being injected with loads of hot, steaming content. Go
ahead and check it out, but you might want to get yourself tested
afterwards.
-Wes/Tony
Big news:
The long-awaited feature that we have been hinting at is finally released! The first episode of “It’s Carl” is now viewable on the site. This is the first episode, and future videos will be released regularly under the “Features” section.
-Wes/Tony
Today we are adding a new feature entitled “Sketch Depot.”
In the creative process, we may scribble down ideas, impulses, images,
or merely just lose two minutes and wake up next to an unusual drawing.
In Sketch Depot, we’ll be regularly uploading the mutant offspring of
these incidents.
The images are scanned
from sketchpads, spare notebook paper, and etch-a-sketches. This is
also more supporting evidence that some of the best ideas in the world
are written on cocktail napkins.
-Wes/Tony
In response to those curious of who we actually are, we have added an “About Us” page. It should be very helpful in alleviating any confusion.
-Wes/Tony
We at AmazingSuperPowers
hope that your holidays are going well, despite most of you worshipping
Pagan deities that only distract from the glory of the Godslug.
In order to further yourself towards robot-like efficiency, spend some time perusing our new comic archive index. All of the comics are now arranged in a convenient list for your consumption.
-Wes/Tony
Exciting news: We are unveiling our official RSS Feed
for amazingsuperpowers.com. Comics, news, and features will be
available for viewing on the feed to lubricate your ASP experience.
Also, we start filming a new feature this week. Here’s an early teaser image.
-Wes/Tony
Added the feature of the Thankskilling movie onto the site. This was filmed by two friends of AmazingSuperPowers.com, and Tony cut a trailer for them.
Have a thrilling Thanksgiving, and may your portions be generous, your pace steady, and your oxen strong.
-Wes/Tony
We have officially added a links
page! It’s our way of making the transition of being simply a parasite
on the internet to being a healthy organ. Hopefully one of the fun
organs, like the liver. Not like the kidneys. Kidneys are selfish and
lazy. Anyway, be sure to check us out on Monday and Thursday for
regular comics. Several features are in the works. And we apologize to
all of our readers who are kidneys for our earlier disparaging remarks.
-Wes/Tony
New comic
added and several tweaks were made to maximize viscosity. Much like a
teenage girl, this is developing into a curvy young woman. Or into a
website.
Yes, definitely the website.
-Wes/Tony
