I’m here to tell you about the best movie you have never seen. The Italian title is “Dellamorte Dellamore” and the stupid title is “Cemetery Man.” It is an existential zombie movie that features the archetypal bad-ass Rupert Everett complacently rampaging through the walking dead.

“ ‘Archetypal bad-ass’ Rupert Everett?” You might ask. Yeah, that’s right. Rupert. Freaking. Everett. And he blasts some zombies. He asks himself some transcendental questions regarding the duality of love and death. And between all that he manages to spend some quality time in Anna Falchi.

Sure, it’s a B-horror movie. But if you take the time you’ll notice it’s also a devilishly well-written movie with some pretty damn arousing cinematography. It’s been my favorite movie for quite some time (I’m pretty sure it’s what put me through puberty).

There’s not much else to say, other than to see it. It’s best taken with beer and pretzels, I might add, but pay close attention because if you miss my favorite lines I’ll sense it and my heart will break from miles away.

If you end up watching it and not liking it, I don’t want to hear about it. Leave me alone.

Why aren't you watching this right now?